Linda Kennedy: The toasty-bum frosty car valet service, we scrape while-u-wait

Published on Wednesday 4 February 2009 19:15

LENDING is frozen. So now are cars. Scotland was nervous of turning into Iceland.

Now, temperature-wise, it has. As the weather and the world of global finance walk frighteningly in step, it makes me ponder upon what economic opportunities there are to be had from the recent polar spell that has been engulfing us.

My answer is 'valet de-icing' and if no-one else does, I might just start a firm myself. In the winter urban economy, there's a definite niche for this service.

A valet de-icer would be someone who turns up in your driveway at the appointed time, roughly half an hour before you have to leave for work in the morning. In winter, you would just get used to looking at the five-day weather forecast, judging your de-icing needs and booking the valet service accordingly. And when booked, the valet de-icers would be cold-callers who were welcome.

Upon arrival at, say, 7:45am, the valet de-icer would take your car keys with a friendly smile which you, noticing they had their own jumbo can of de-icer, would return (realising this frees you from the difficulty of getting into your boot to find a canister with any remaining contents). The valet de-icer would then head to the chill of your driveway, where they would do the battle to persuade the driver's door to open. They would then do a 'bespoke scrape' across your windscreen, followed by a luxury de-ice. It's they who'd run the risk of misdirecting the nozzle. It would be their clothes left vulnerable to the spritz of de-icer, which overwhelms all perfumes, including any by Katie Price. The deluxe valet experience would also include a period of personal sitting-in by the de-icer, who would run the engine and endure the five minutes before your wonky heater starts pumping anything other than an Arctic blast. All this so that when you are ready for departure, all you need to do is slip into an already toasty car interior, which even includes a warm seat, as the valet's cheeks come as complimentary. You set off for work happy, not growling at other drivers. You make other people's day that bit nicer. You drive more safely.

For the valet de-icer, the benefits are also immense. Valet de-icers' fingers might be red, but their finances would be firmly in the black. For anyone with raw ambition, it's ideal.

So to sum up: for the client, it means cold mornings are a pleasure; for the valet, it means cash in albeit frozen hand; for the economy, jobs. For global finance, a surprise – at last, a meltdown that is welcome.