Linda Kennedy - India has monsoons, the US has hurricanes … we've lots of rain

Published on Wednesday 17 September 2008 20:01

FOR the last month or so Scotland couldn't have been wetter had the Siberian ice-sheet melted on our heads.

The cubic capacity of Loch Ness has fallen from the clouds. Yet there's no rain-related vocabulary in this country to describe moisture of this strength. India has monsoons. The Caribbean and the US has hurricanes. We only have … lots of rain. An assigned Scottish noun is required to cover "really big expulsions of rain from the clouds".

There is, of course, drizzle. A true Scots word to describe what used to be the recurring form of cloud action here. Is it a sign of global warming that the Scottish tongue now needs a word not just for light but also heavy rain? And what might be the best description for drizzle's more voluminous big sister in precipitation? Deluge is universal, rather than Scots. So is downpour. How about "splosh"? It suggests weight. It hints at relentless vertical assault, with enough force to bounce upwards from the pavement. And it sounds Scottish.

Of course, to qualify as a phenomenon of weather – to be up there with the hurricanes, basically – whatever a Scottish expulsion of rain is called must sound right followed by the Christian names that will endorse it. So, Splosh Gustav? Splosh Ike? Or would we give more Scottish names to our weather entities? Splosh Malcolm? Slosh Kirsty? And just as there is a National Hurricane Centre in Miami, Florida, would there be a National Splosh Centre, doubtless in Glasgow.

Some might argue against 'splosh', and suggest upping the status of drizzle, to recognise the different intensity of particular drizzles, would do the job. Hurricanes are put in categories; why not drizzles? A category-4 drizzle, for example, would be a drizzle of severe strength. A calamitous drizzle, capable of wreaking havoc upon the hair of the nation's women. It would be the top news story of the day, perhaps setting a precedent for Scottish-ifying stories one by one, to create a defacto Scottish Six.

"Good evening, Drizzle Gustav is set to hit the West Coast of Scotland today, and could destroy hundreds of hairstyles and good moods. Anti-frizz serum supplies have been stockpiled. The Lord Provost of Glasgow has told women to leave town if they can. The National Drizzle Centre has put out a warning that Drizzle Gustav is the first category-4 drizzle to have Scotland directly in its path. The Scottish Government is on alert, not wanting to be accusing of letting a whole city get frizzy.'

Splosh or category-4 drizzle, take your choice and start campaigning. I realise the new Chambers dictionary has only recently come out – but is it too early to start petitioning for new words in the next version?

Great Britain in an outfit, blegh!

BRITAIN is currently the HQ for the world's fashion press. Imagine they arrived at the weekend for London Fashion Week. Got to the hotel. Kicked off their Manolos and turned on the TV. What did they see? Last Night of the Proms, featuring Bryn Terfel, left, in a suit louder than his voice. What a faux pas, French fashion editors must have cried. Thank God for Alitalia, as most Italian fashionistas were probably stuck in Milan. Terfel wore tartan trousers and a jacket made from the Welsh flag hich had one Union Jack lapel and the other festooned by the English flag. It was Great Britain, in an outfit. Still, maybe the world of fashion is grateful. The sight of that suit was enough to make anyone ill, and Last Night of the Proms-induced bulimia may have off-set all the canaps this week.

&#149 GIVEN she could have asked Jeeves in person rather than online, the continuing bid by the Queen to appear with-it, with her IT, is painful.

Her Majesty is to visit Google and she's ordered an upgrade of the Royal website! Next year, when the Palace opens to visitors, one almost expects the state tour will include the Computing Room. I don't believe this cyber-savviness for a minute. If the Queen sees a laptop with Philips on it, she'll think it's her husband's.

And if she actually owns a computer, her wallpaper will certainly be chintz.