Linda Kennedy: Having a punny old time on Pennsylvania Avenue

Published on Wednesday 12 November 2008 18:43

OH, TO have been a fly on the wall. Or a microphone on the secret-service agent's suit. The other transition – the domestic one – is what I'm interested in, yet few details have leaked about the verbatim conversational exchanges as the Bushes showed the Obamas round their future home.

Did George Bush stand at the front of the White House and say: "Howdy, come on in. We call this door the Access of Evil"?

Inside, away from the cameras, did he then hold up his hand in a fist-bump? "Say, Michelle, can I call you Michelle? I hope this fist thing catches on. It's better than kissing cheeks. I never know whether to do that once or twice. It's like running for President."

Did Laura fist-bump the woman who will succeed her? "Hey, that's the First Fist and the future First Fist," her husband cackled. "Anyway, welcome. Sorry it's a bit warm, we don't have air-con, we have neo-con."

Did the party move into the first receiving room? Bush: "We put the decorations up. Yes, we're taking the three flying lame ducks on the wall. And those paintings were given to us during a state visit from an African leader. We call them the Hanging Chads. I like them."

Did the party walk down the corridor, and go past a room with a closed door? Bush: "We went in there just after we arrived. It's a mess now. We call it the Iraq room. The boiler room is next door. Don't worry if the heating plays up. There's a button marked 'nuclear' in the Oval Office. It's the back-up system. I think."

Did they proceed into the kitchen? Bush: "No, we're not taking the fridge. There are a few policies which are past their sell-by date in there. I'd throw out the Bush Doctrine. No-one's touched that for months."

For small talk as they walked, did Bush then ask: "So you've got a puppy coming too? There's plenty of room in here for a first kennel. I've been in the doghouse a lot, and it's mighty spacious. What's that you say? You're naming the puppy as part of your economic strategy? Down, Inflation, down. It's 'Canine-ism? What's that? Kind of like Keynesianism? What's that? Say, why not call the dog Monica Lewinksy, so she too can be photographed with her puppy-dog eyes gazing at the new president? 'Monica, get out from under the desk and stop licking me' would be heard coming from the Oval Office. It would be like old times for the secret-service guys. Oh, Laura, I'm just teasing the man. The Obamas are going to love it here."

Slam dunk ball, not biscuits

GORDON BROWN'S memo to self: Spend next two months practicing basketball. Must, must embrace favourite sporting pastime of incoming president. Imperative to look relaxed at Camp David. Can't make mistake of appearing as awkward as did in Bush's golf buggy. Golf was awful. All about swings. Only enjoy swings in relation to Glenrothes-type by-elections.

So, basketball. Am sure will be good at this. I have 'Brown bounce', after all. 'Brown dribble' will follow.

The word 'net' features, though as noun rather than adjective preceding profit or loss.

Slam dunk? What is this? Presume hasty submersion of biscuit in cup of tea. Does basketball have Scottish heritage?

Nike sponsors many games. The Japanese stock index, of course. Didn't realise American spelling of Nikkei was different.

Have two months to become a jock. Well, a jock jock. Easy. Gimme me a high six.

• NEWS comes that the 'greasy spoon' burger van must update its menu. Salad is essential. One trucker will soon radio another: "Shall we stop at the next 'balsamic spoon' for lunch?"

Updating these 'heart attacks on wheels' is an English idea but who knows how quickly it will spread when Scottish truckers learn southern counterparts can order a diet corned beef roll with glazed greens for lunch? The justification is that 'street sellers' should offer a range of choices. If so, ice creams vans will be the next target. Fancy a '99 per cent fat-free 99'?