Lee Randall: My party diet tips for the real world

Published on Tuesday 3 November 2009 18:03

MY FIRST "Tips to Dodge the Christmas Podge" press release arrived in October. A bit early, I thought, since Britain doesn't traditionally indulge in the November food-for-all known as Thanksgiving, kicking off a solid five weeks' of gorging and lolling about on the soft furnishings watching endless hours of sport and parades.

I found the release alarmingly retro – so much so I ventured online to trawl through some of the scores of articles purporting to offer helpful tips for avoiding holiday weight gain.

Dear readers, I was appalled! The advice hasn't moved on one iota since the mid-1980s when, early in my freelance career, I frequently wrote for Weight Watchers Magazine. Word for word, it's the same.

Twenty-five years on, people are still being advised – in all seriousness – to take the stairs instead of the lift; to park at the far end of the lot when visiting the mall in order to stock up on prezzies; and, rather hilariously, to execute a few post-shop laps round that lot on emerging from their retail expedition, with bonus points being awarded to those also lugging weighty purchases.

Other pearls of wisdom include – and don't bother stopping me if you've heard this before, as I am sure you have – eating before you go to a party instead of at it; avoiding alcohol once there; and standing facing away from the buffet to avoid temptation. (Do they think chubby people are too fat to smell or to properly see their fellow revellers swanning about with groaning plates?)

Women – because this advice is mostly aimed at women – are still being advised in the most patronising of tones, to de-stress with non-food treats, and that still constitutes (repeat after me) unwinding with a favourite book; taking a perfumed bubble bath; or a phone call with a good friend. Which, if you ask me, are no more "treats" than breathing.

I think it's time for some practical 21st-century advice on surviving the holiday season with your waistline intact.

&#149 Take up secondary smoking. There's no buffet table outdoors, and no cater-waiter proffering cute canaps or topping up drinks. You'll get all the gossip, and it's likely to be cold at this time of year: everyone knows that hopping up and down while shivering burns calories.

&#149 Forget the tiresome, past-its-sell-by-date advice to wear a form-fitting dress or a belt in order to stay attuned to how much you're eating. What you must actually do is identify the hottest woman at the party and stick to her like glue.

This works on so many levels. Her super attractiveness (and no doubt superior attitude) will render you incredibly self-conscious and therefore less likely to shove mini quiches down your neck at a rate of knots. It will also draw men to her side like bees to a flower. If they have any manners, they'll be forced to include you in the conversation, with the happy result that you'll be far too busy volleying bon mots to eat.

&#149 Stick to a dry martini with a lemon twist. It's the mixers that contain the bulk of those pesky calories, darling!

&#149 Whenever possible, surrender to the urge to dance on the table and swing from the chandelier. This is strenuous behaviour, and as good a workout as any. After a night's exertions you needn't feel at all guilty about skipping trips to the gym or doing all your holiday shopping online, from a prone position. Plus, it will ensure that you're either invited back next year – in which case you now have several useful strategies to choose from – or disinvited, in which case you can stay home reading a novel in a scented bath. Or swinging from the chandelier. Both work for me.