Lee Randall: Blood, sweat and breasts galore but we still can't let 'em dangle

Published on Monday 12 July 2010 11:32

THOSE who follow me on Twitter (@randallwrites) know I'm a fan of Bravo's smut-and-gore-fest show Spartacus.

I hasten to explain - people do wince - that not since Dynasty went off the air have I been so reliably assured of an hour's side-splitting hilarity.

Life is hard. Spartacus is spectacularly silly - and unlike antidepressants, comes with no pesky side effects.

This isn't a TV review column, so I won't enumerate the things that have made me laugh myself off the sofa (this actually happened). But as most of the protagonists are mostly naked throughout, it has prompted me to think about disparity when displaying the human form.

Over the weekend I read a story entitled "The Six Rules of Men's Summer Dressing". Yes, I know that stories in fashion magazines are too often forced to take a position justifying whatever mad trend is cresting the wave. But I found two of the "thou shalt nots" featured aggravating and baffling.

One was illustrated by a photo of rock singer Jamie Hince wearing cut-offs and nothing else. The caption takes him to task for revealing too much leg. Honestly, he doesn't. There's nothing remotely obscene or suggestive about these shorts, and in the context - he's at the beach - Hince is appropriately attired. Elsewhere, there's an amusing picture of fashion designer Marc Jacobs striking a Bettie Page pose, while wearing small, tight bathing trunks. They're not quite Speedos, but nearly, and luckily he's got the figure for them. But the caption squeals, "Put it away, already."

What gives with our ridiculous double standards? When and why did it become acceptable to the point of being de rigueur to display women's secondary sex characteristics, while at the same time we deem it shockingly poor taste to even hint at a penis?

Spartacus is full of well oiled muscles and taut buttocks, but has thus far featured just one instance of full frontal male nudity. We were invited to linger lasciviously - and not before time, I say! During most of the rest of the transmission I'm seeing more naked female breasts than pass through your average mammography clinic in the course of a year.

For every advert starring David Beckham's tantalising bulging pants, there are dozens featuring actually naked and near-naked women. Illogically, even women's magazines are guilty of this, parading as much lady flesh as an issue of Zoo in both adverts and editorial.

In the world of pop music, someone seem to have issued a diktat forbidding trousers if you're female. Now I feel as intimately acquainted with the lower regions of Lady Gaga, Florence, Madonna and Beyonc as any gynaecologist.

On the red carpet we're regularly treated to the sight of women flirting with over-exposure via cut-out, sprayed on, super-sheer frocks that make me think: Why not turn up naked and get it over with already?

In fact, that wouldn't matter, since chances are we've already seen this actress naked in whatever film it is she's promoting, while her male co-star kept his bits under wraps.

Sure, people tut, but only a few of us are asking why this is happening. I'm not arguing that we ban nudity - though wouldn't that be refreshing for a year or two? It worked just fine in those sexy old movies, where it was all done via the power of suggestion, well-cut clothes, and witty repartee.

We treat the penis with respect and something like fear. Why should that be?. How did this become the norm? I say give us more penis or less breast. It's not the nudity, it's the disparity that rankles. So, really, I'm arguing on behalf of equality.

Why are penises are banned in the first place? Do men fear the comparison? Is it because unlike a breast, which is largely (but not entirely) stationary, a penis might move, changing shape and direction? Who decided that sight was unacceptable?

Why should the penis - and by extension, the guy it's attached to - be awarded more dignity than a woman's anatomy? That's a rhetorical question. I know better than to expect a logical answer to a nonsensical state of affairs.

• Next week I shall be in The Big Smoke, so Losing Battles will return on 28 July.z