Lee Randall: If there ought to be a law against it, there probably is

Published on Friday 19 March 2010 18:02

APPARENTLY it is illegal to obstruct an authorised person from inspecting apple, pear, peach or nectarine orchards for the purposes of ascertaining whether grubbing has been carried out. Whatever the hell that may be, I'm sure it's important.

In Scotland, fairground owners may no longer award goldfish as prizes. Nor is it legal to keep a Siamese fighter in a goldfish bowl, because they can't do enough laps to stay fit and svelte. And we all know what a drain it's been on NHS resources, treating these fish for obesity-related ailments.

It is an offence, punishable by law, to disturb a pack of eggs when instructed not to do so by an officer, to put on a church concert without first obtaining a licence, to cause a nuclear explosion, or to enter the hull of the Titanic without permission from a minister.

There go my plans for the weekend.

The Labour government has kept breathlessly busy, since coming to power in 1997, by creating 4,300 new offences. There's an obvious joke to be made here about the offence caused by lying to one's employers (that'd be you, the voters) about their reasons for waging war, or the insult this government caused when it colluded in the nation's financial meltdown and pointedly looked the other way while the very people who got it so badly wrong reaped – and continue to reap – profits despite laying waste to our future. If only the punchline to this particular joke was the least bit amusing.

Clearly it's time that I was given free rein to rule the world. I'd probably be hailed as a saviour, since the first improvement I'd enforce is to make it an offence for ministers to fritter away their time dreaming up laws with no practical value.

In restitution, they would have to pay back the wasted hours by performing a series of good works within their constituencies. Suggested rehabilitation activities include finding cosy housing for the homeless and jobs for the boys (and girls), teaching illiterate adults to read, and distributing free condoms. While dressed as bunnies. Because that would amuse me.

It would be illegal for any date to conclude with the lie "I'll phone you", or for singletons to post a photograph that's more than six months old as part of their online dating profile.

It would be an offence not to read a minimum of five books per year, from any genre.

While we're at it, every citizen would be required to engage with culture at least once a quarter. Save your ticket stubs and receipts, for you will be subject to random spot checks. Special tokens will be provided on entry to free museums, because that counts, too, but they will not be reusable. You'll have to go again.

It will be illegal to reach the top (or bottom) of a flight of stairs or escalator and stop short. And because it is only right and proper that this misdeed be punishable by public flogging, it's equally reasonable that any poor wretch trapped behind the offender shall be allowed to administer said beating on the spot, with full immunity from prosecution on charges of GBH.

Parents can be hauled into court if their youngsters gurn at their elders and betters on public transport or run pell-mell around airports and train stations. The fine for creating a public nuisance will increase in direct proportion to the number of times they are heard saying, "Darling, stop that!"

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am off to shop for an outfit for my induction ceremony. After all these services to the nation, I sense a Damehood in the offing.