Lazy Guide to Net Culture: Auf Wiedersehen Ingerlund

Published on Monday 3 July 2006 17:03

If you want to appear like you’re at the cutting edge of net culture but can’t be bothered to spend hours online, then never fear. Scotsman.com’s pathetic team of geeks, freaks and gimps will do the hard work for you. While you sip wine, read a book or engage in normal social interaction, they will burn out their retinas staring at badly designed web pages and dodge creeps in chatrooms to prepare for you: Scotsman.com’s lazy guide to net culture.

They're coming home. They're coming home. The England team are coming home. Three lions on the shirt. 40 years of hurt. And so on, on and inevitably on.

The public flaying of Wayne Rooney, Sven Goran-Erikkson and Cristiano Ronaldo has begun as a nation mourns. From Penzance to Carlisle, football fans are reeling from the blow that England have failed to win the World Cup. Again.

I do not wish to intrude on public grief but it might be worth pointing out that winning the World Cup these days is a sporting triumph reserved for only the very best sporting nations. I mean disciplined, organised teams packed with talent - teams unlike England and most certainly unlike Scotland. With that in mind, it's no surprise that depression is sweeping like the Black Plague across the lands south of the Border: unrealistic expectations will always be dashed.

So it is that we see Sven apologising endlessly for failing to achieve the impossible and begging the English fans and media not to kill Wayne Rooney. Killing does seem harsh. Perhaps the English should start practising penalties before they resort to murdering people.

Obviously I take no pleasure in this distressing state of affairs. My lady wife hails from London and, before the Mundial began, we had a lively exchange of views which led to this form of words: "Ahem. I will not be supporting anyone at the World Cup as Scotland did not qualify. However, as a member of a confident, modern, European nation I have no qualms in wishing our southern neighbours all the best."

If only Jack McConnell had done the same. Only our First Minister could turn the question: "So, will you be watching the World Cup, then?" into an international (intranational?) incident. In fact, the comments left on the relevant articles by scotsman.com users suggest we are embroiled in a flame war that threatens the very fabric of the United Kingdom.

Everyone's getting a little bit too heated about this. Spoof news site TheVoiceOfReason.co.uk has the right idea: making a joke of all the pain.

Outgoing England coach, Swedish Sven, urged the press not to throw things at Rooney following his disastrous goolie crunching attack on a Portuguese player, last night. Rooney, 20, was not believed to be in any physical danger as sports reporters punch like girls, apart from the girls who punch like kittens.

WayneRooneyOnline, a Wayne Rooney fan site, tries another approach: glossing over what actually happened. It bizarrely fails to carry an article headlined "Rooney sent off, dooming England to World Cup exit."

A poster on Urban Dictionary - on a page with some very salty language - captures the feelings of many with their new definition of "Wayne Rooney":

A very talented football player that will never ever be able to control his temper or his love of … old grannies Wayne Rooney stamped on Carvalho's nuts and essentially got England put out of the 2006 world cup, much to my delight

Yes, the poster was Scottish…

However, the power of video really conveys the misery some England fans felt. One, t7mol, filmed the ritual burning of a Manchester United shirt with the name "Ronaldo" on it - despite being a United fan.

My personal tribute, as a Manchester United fan, to the piece of low-life scum with no morals and sense of loyalty

It's not very dramatic but certainly heartfelt, given the lingering shots of melting fabric. A less personal, but equally emotive experience can be had via films taken by fans watching England and Portugal take penalties on big screens. Note the way the heads go down at the end in in this clip in stark contrast to the earlier jubilation. Are you Scotland in disguise?

Then watch this clip. Yes, it's the Portuguese fans. So that's what winning's like. Looks nice…