Kirsty McLuckie - Gown shops start charging to deter time-wasting Bridezillas

Published on Tuesday 24 June 2008 21:07

THE BBC has reported that some bridal shops are introducing a charge for trying on wedding dresses, to deter women who have no intention of buying.

Now, it may be that these shops wish to stop the canny brides who are road-testing the expensive designs before running up a copy on the sewing machine at home. Or maybe the offenders are the Bridezillas, obsessives who test dress after dress before they can make up their minds. It may even be that there are hordes of spinsters spending every Saturday dripping mascara on to Vera Wang's autumn collection without even a hope of a first date.

But actually it is probably none of these demographic groups who have necessitated the charge, which apparently can be up to 50 in the top boutiques. In my experience the ones who need to be discouraged are the gaggles of girls who hunt en masse for free sparkling wine while they try on matching ridiculous pink bouffant numbers, shrieking with laughter.

Twenty years ago, the smartest shops would not have had to introduce a charge to weed out the serious spenders from the cash-strapped having a laugh. The shop assistants would have been able to spot a time-waster from 20 paces. One look at your down-at-heel shoes or your cheap watch and they would know that there was no way you would be dropping 5,000 on a frock. They'd then strong-arm you to the door.

But nowadays they've no chance of predicting which of us is likely to mortgage our homes to have a Coleen-and-Wayne-style extravaganza and who is having to make do with an ill-fitting charity shop number. People on minimum wages borrow thousands for their wedding dress, to be paid back over years, while the rich-but-tight wear hand-me-downs and call it vintage.

Which goes to prove my theory that in Scotland, the smartness of your wedding is determined by the groom, not the bride. Like Oscar Wilde's Englishman who opens his mouth only to make another despise him, an alarming number of Scottish men have very strong opinions on what should and shouldn't be worn to get married.

The morning coats look down on the plaid, the Prince Charlie jackets sneer at the tuxedo and everyone laughs at the chap in a kilt made from the Rangers FC tartan. The dress code advised on a wedding invitation can cause hissy fits among a certain type of stickler for whichever tradition they prefer.

It may be social disaster if you get it wrong, but at least the bride can relax. The only people who will really appreciate your dress are the drunken friends around you when you try it on for the fifth time in the shop.

End of term and the end of my tether

IT'S the last week of the school year and the children are busy with class trips, sports days and end of term concerts; I am demented. Their social calendar would exhaust a 1950s deb and not a day goes by that they don't come home with a request note to rival the Labours of Hercules, or at least The Apprentice's kosher chicken task.

One day I have to assemble sun-screen, waterproof trousers and a healthy packed lunch, the next it is four yards of white tulle, swimming goggles and a digital camera. Last week they needed a Malaysian flag.

What bizarre combination will the sadistic teachers hit me with next? Flying goggles? A diving bell? Or perhaps just the tail feather from a mythological bird?

If the children really have learned everything necessary this year, could they not just do some colouring-in until the end of term?

IT IS good to see public bodies making use of my favourite word. Audit Scotland said yesterday that the projected costings of major public construction projects needed to be more "robust" before being given the go-ahead.

I use the word robust to mean a lot of things. The "robust child" is the one with no other discernible qualities but its size; a performance that is "robust" doesn't necessarily imply talent, and a "somewhat robust discussion" can end with the police being called.

But I've never used it as it has been deployed in this context, as a synonym for what? Accurate? Thorough? Truthful?