John Gibson: Don't shout ship ahoy for this one No holds Bard Ate-leg spider

Published on Friday 20 November 2009 10:14

START spreading the news, I'm clean off the booze (only kidding). Down to a sherry or two in isolation, it's that drastic.

Seriously I'm clean off the cruise, now that I've just seen the world's largest cruise ship. Frighteningly large.

A lousy sailor, I threw up once at Dover and we were stationary, still anchored in the harbour. Never been one for cruising, now more than ever with the creation of Oasis of the Seas. It's . . . well, it's just plain vulgar. Like it should never have been allowed.

Five times bigger than the Titanic (the icebergs already are running scared). Twenty decks. Sounds like the U-boat captain's ultimate dream. Takes 6,360 passengers. The giant pool converts to a 600-seat cinema by night. Shelley Winters escorts you to your seat for The Poseidon Adventure?

I mean, it all becomes a wee bit outrageous, doesn't it? Supposing somebody shouts 'fire!' in the middle of the night, where do you go? Every which way? Lifeboat drill must be a hoot.

If you still fancy a jaunt on this maritime monster, Royal Caribbean will welcome you aboard for a couple of weeks, starting at 1,300. Li'l ol' landlubber me, I'll stay home with my favourite sailors Kenneth Williams and Sid James and the Carry On Cruising video.

Can't wait to read the reviews. Abi Titmuss, statuesque actress/model with memorable Edinburgh connections, opened on Wednesday at the Seagull Theatre, Lowestoft, in Macbeth, her first Shakespeare play. Cast as Lady M.

Believe me, that wasn't your scribe in the front row gasping "what are these I see before me!"

Enough to give you the creepsy-crawlies, the revelation by a 32-year-old Glenrothes mum of four who discovered a gluttonous spider in her steak pie when she was midway through scoffing it.

How did your scribe stumble on this story? On the web, of course. A case for a spin doctor.

Last I heard, Asda reportedly were investigating.

Meanwhile, my addiction to steak pies has not diminished one iota.