Janey Godley - My embarrassing outburst muffled by the incredible bulk

Published on Sunday 26 October 2008 18:26

FLYING home from London last week, I sat beside a big, heavy-set man and his hulking body squashed me into the aisle of the aeroplane. Now, I know that I am not sylph-like myself, but I do fit into the standard airline seat comfortably. The big man kept shuffling about until he got himself settled. He wasn't really fat, more bulky and square and he seemed unaware of how much room his body took up, or how to deal with his thick limbs in a tight space.

It was like shoving the Jolly Green Giant into a pram seat.

Meanwhile, I resembled a pretzel, as my wee body was folded into shapes I didn't know it could manage.

The food trolley whacked my head twice and my shoulders were thumped constantly by the cabin crew as they marched up and down. I couldn't move.

My arms couldn't fit anywhere as his elbows shoved me further into the cramped space. Clearly, I needed to cut off my arms from the shoulder just to make it convenient for him.

To make matters worse, he then attempted to open a tiny bottle of gin and drink it. He must have been unaware that his upper arm was in my eye as he poured the tonic into the wee fiddly plastic cup. I was temporarily suffocated by his tweedy jacket as his arm went up and down to his mouth.

I thought things couldn't get any worse, but they did.

Just as the flight was coming into Glasgow, a big wave of turbulence hit us and it felt as if some enormous entity in the sky grabbed the aeroplane and shook it about like a sauce bottle. People made silent scared faces at each other; I could feel the collective fear.

Then one big wave shook us quite violently and I let out a scream. Folk stared at me like I was some kind of nutter who had let the side down. How dare I scream! Didn't I know they were all being brave? I didn't care. I was really frightened and needed an outlet and screaming was the best I could manage.

The passengers around me tutted; they went from being scared to being annoyed at me for reacting to the situation. Just then, the big man leaned further into me and shoved his big arm over my face. I bit his jacket, muffled squeals escaped and the other passengers smiled at me being silenced. We landed safely and I spat out some wool and glared at the hulk.

I fly back to London next week; I will take my own pillow in case of turbulence and will suffocate myself just to save anyone else the bother.

Is that Jesus or Kris Kristofferson looming down at me?

YOU know it's time to redecorate your flat when a pattern appears on the ceiling that both frightens and confuses you. There are obscure swirls of dust and grime that have accumulated over the years and they have crept over the walls and up round the light fittings.

Lying on my sofa last night, I stared at them long enough to see the face of either Jesus or Kris Kristofferson – I couldn't decide, but basically it looked like a big, bearded man with googly eyes glares at me from my ceiling and that's scary.

I don't want country music fans or Christians worshipping my dirty walls. Time for a new paint job, I think!

We had to sing for our suppers

THIS Friday is Halloween. It's not the same nowadays, as kids buy outfits already made; we used to make our own outfits back in the 1960s.

You also had to have a decent party piece or song to perform. Neighbours would stand you at their fireplace and demand a variety show from us children. They even gave you comments and a critique of your performance before they handed over some pennies, stale biscuits or bruised apples.

Old Mrs Kelter in the next close was a constant complainer about my Halloween efforts.

"Janey, your jokes weren't that funny and your dance was rubbish. You nearly kicked my dog with your skinny legs."

Every year I tried hard to impress her. What I really wanted was her applause and her approval.

Never once did she give me her laughter or a hand clap and it's her fault I am a comedian to this day.

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