Janey Godley - Sometimes it's best when a mother leaves her children

Published on Sunday 14 September 2008 19:37

LAST WEEK, I met with an old mate who caused a scandal by leaving her two young sons to be raised by their father back in 1983. She had married very young and soon discovered that her man was very demanding and bordered on being a bully, though he was a wonderful loving father who doted on his kids.

She couldn't face living with him, tried to commit suicide twice and finally came to the realisation that she had to leave, but she couldn't financially support her kids if she did.

She felt the boys would have a more stable life with their dad, as he worked a good job and owned the home they shared. Moving to a council flat and living on benefits felt like it would be a punishment to her kids for her freedom from a rotten marriage.

My old pal told me how she fell apart when she decided to leave and the entire family turned on her viciously. They collectively decided that she never got to see or share the kids as she initially suggested. She had made her bed and now she must wallow in it.

Bullied yet again and on the verge of a nervous breakdown, she fled to Canada alone.

She felt that she could not bear to be half a mother to her wee boys; she needed to leave them so they would settle with their father without all the bickering over access.

Canada proved the making of her, yet she still carries the scars of leaving her kids. She didn't have any more children and has never settled down with a man to this day.

The good news is both her sons never forgot her and she did manage to keep in touch through letters and phone calls over the years.

She was back in Glasgow to see her eldest son get married and her younger boy is now serving in Afghanistan. She is very proud of them both and still believes that she made the right decision back in 1983.

Times have changed since the 1980s. Children, men and women now have better laws to protect them in divorce and separation. Still, we do need to address why society will condemn a woman for leaving her kids and yet barely raise an eyebrow when a father does the self same thing.

This attitude suggests that children need their mother more than they need their father and we all know that it is nonsense. Kids need someone who will put them first and that's exactly what my pal did – and for that she deserves respect and not moral berating from people who like to judge others.

A strange kind of pillow book

TRAVELLING around staying in hotels is what I do best. I was in a particularly swanky one last Friday.

Recently, there has been a phenomenon in hotels where you get offered a pillow menu. The old pillow has been updated and now you get to choose the filling. Yes, you can have feather, hypo-allergenic foam or even buckwheat in your fancy head rest.

How strange is that? I just want fresh linen that doesn't smell of dead people or drunken bed-wetters.

Though, if I do get to choose a pillow filling, I would prefer candy floss and marshmallows in mine. It would be good to wake up and eat the contents.

Don't tell me what to write… get your own whinge space

EVERY week, as I sit down to write this column, I get various phone calls from mates and relatives who have decided what I should write about. They all seem to assume I need help in finding subject matter.

"You should write about the continuing paranoia at airports. Why do we still have to keep taking off our shoes?" whined one pal.

"No, I think you should stick it in the neck of airlines that charge you at the airport when you check in your bags," chimed in husband.

"Why don't you write about hotels that charge you 25 to hook into their crap internet for 24 hours?" whined another friend.Writing a weekly column has made me realise that the people in my life suddenly have a squillion things to moan about and they automatically suppose I will be the conduit to air their grievances.

Leave me alone people and get a blog or something!

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