Aidan Smith: Motherwell on a Friday night? Hud me back

Or I thought I had until I heard about the beaks’ latest brainwave: making my team play on a Friday night, in Motherwell.

No offence to Tam Cowan, panto veteran Christian and other ’Well fans. I’m sure they’d have a similar reaction to the prospect of a Friday night trip to Leith: “Hud me back.” But it’s in deepest, darkest Lanarkshire on 3 December that the SPL’s wacky caravan of disorienation and desperation will next pitch up. At the wheel of the lead truck, of course, will be Neil Doncaster, the chief exec, and maybe this time he’ll be sporting a curly carrot-coloured wig a la Chris “TGI Friday” Evans.

Football on Friday nights? Of course that’s disorientating. It just feels so fundamentally wrong, like we’re Bolivia or somewhere mad. Only daft sports happen on Fridays (rugby). But it has to be said: the evidence from the turnstiles is that traditional, sacrosanct, set-in-stone Saturday afternoon football isn’t working very well. Doncaster must try something.

You can see why he’s gone for Motherwell v Hibs for the second of his Football Fridays; the fixture has acquired a mental, indeed Bolivian aspect all of its own. When I interviewed Doncaster in the summer he nominated 2010’s 6-6 draw between the teams – a game which had everything except a military coup – as the best he’d seen in his time in office. And that recent League Cup tie was pretty amazing, too.

If this one is another stormer, and the crowd is no smaller than for a Saturday afternoon and maybe even a bit bigger, we can expect the experiment to be extended, with an entire weekend card being brought forward to the Friday night. Doncaster has some stats to support his Football Fridays, namely a survey carried out after the first one which shows that a “majority” of the 1,500 fans polled were in favour of a repeat of the Aberdeen-Dunfermline try-out.

But of course that is not the same as saying there’s a majority who’d accept the wholesale switch to Fridays. The overwhelming hodden grey mass, however dwindling its number, still wants its football to take place on Saturdays, KO 3pm. Attendances won’t rise again unless the quality improves, the competition gets keener and – this is the crucial bit – the admission prices come down. Re-arranging the day matches are played is just re-arranging the deckchairs.

Looking back at those previous attempts at razzmatazz, they were pretty basic. “Fireworks” Phil Anderton, when he was at Hearts, simply nicked some workies’ braziers from a nearby building site and chucked petrol on them. The pop was Middle of the Road warbling their big/only hit from the back of a coal lorry at a 1970s cup final (“Last night I heard my mamma singing a song .... ”). The daring feats were supplied by a formidable Alsatian in a police-dog demonstration featuring burning hoops and finishing with the apprehending of a culprit fleeing the scene (“Well done, Rex!”).

But none of these pre-match frivolities was required to save football. Most, at a time when crowds were big, were designed as incidental fun for a simpler age, and you can add to that list Kilmarnock’s majorettes (loved the tan tights). Even as recently as Fireworks Phil’s era, no-one was overly worried about the game’s future, with his Hearts, albeit briefly, supplying the threat to the Old Firm’s omnipotence that is sadly lacking now.

Plenty to worry about these days. Peter Lawwell, the Celtic chief exec, says the game is facing “oblivion”. Nice of him to voice concern, although of course the Old Firm have absolutely no intention of sticking around long enough to see Scottish football cop its whack. As this column has stressed on many occasions, the cost of watching a match must be slashed. And that match, by the way, should be a Saturday affair, 3pm-style.

I’m sorry, Neil, I know you’ve got oor fitba’s best interests at heart ... and I’m sorry, Tam, I’m sure your toon has lots to commend it – but my idea of oblivion is Motherwell, on a Friday night.