Hugh Reilly: If only I had the skills of a Last-Minute Reilly

Published on Sunday 27 March 2011 16:21

It's been a fantastic season for my school's Under-13 football team. The manager, Stuart, a fellow Modern Studies teacher, led his young side to the latter stages of a national cup competition.

This Thursday, the team is playing its final sectional league game. Unfortunately Stuart will not to be on the touchline as he is required to attend a Project Leadership course.

"Hugh," Stuart said, "I've tried everybody in the school connected with schools football - Sean, Norrie, John, Jack, Stephen - but none of them are available. Could you possibly handle this fixture?"

Perhaps I should have felt aggrieved that I was not his first choice to replace him in the dugout; I wasn't so much the bottom of a very deep barrel, more what was under the barrel. But this was no time for false pride - glory's bugle had blown and I proudly answered the call.

With less than 48 hours till we lock horns with our local rivals, I have become aware of some tension in the camp. There is some disquiet in the squad that team captain, James Toner, has been spotted snogging Liz Dawson, a WAG wannabe who is in a long term relationship (almost three weeks) with left back, Pat Mangan. Utilising my boy-management skills, I arrange a clear-the-air meeting where Pat announces he has no problem with JT but expresses disappointment that his former squeeze has sent him a 'u r chucked' text message. Somewhat bitterly, he points out that Liz has large ears anyway.

The dossier on the opposition is a tad thin. "Their ginger guy in midfield is pure heavy good," says one of my scouting staff. I decide to discuss tactics. My preference is to go for an attacking 4-3-3 set-up, but some youngsters are more comfortable with a defensive 4-4-2. If the game is ebbing away from us, I will switch to that tried and tested schools football formation of 4-3-3-1. (Many a team has benefited from slipping on an extra man in the mayhem of a local derby). A bespectacled dullard whose only chance of being in the starting XI lies with five players falling down with Spanish flu, comes up with what could be kindly called a groundbreaking formation. "When the baw's in their hauf, everybody goes up. When the baw's in oor hauf, everybody gets back." His ill-informed outburst causes him to lose even his coveted place on the bench.

Of course, experience has taught me that team formations at Under-13 level mean nothing. When the kick-off whistle blows, there is a stampede as 20 excitable adolescents chase after the ball, salivating like hounds in pursuit of an arthritic fox. Watching dads implore the kids to "keep yir shape", a cry that causes puzzlement in the mind of the over-nourished centre back whose movement resembles that of a seal lolling about on a sun-drenched shore.

Refereeing schoolboys is child's play. Referees are not accused of sectarian bias; there is broad consensus that poor decisions are made because the refs are rotten.School games are a vehicle to blood young referees before they enter the lion's den of Saturday morning amateur football.

Occasionally, the man in black is an asthmatic auld git - sorry, a highly experienced official - who appears to be imprisoned inside the centre circle. To be fair, overseeing a game gives him much to talk about back in the communal lounge of his sheltered accommodation.

While Fifa frets about the pros and cons of implementing goal line technology, school football managers would just be happy if the goals had nets. I've lost count of the number of times a ball has flown over the bar and been declared a "goal" by someone who should have gone to Specsavers.

Thankfully, our opponents this week are also from Glasgow and should therefore have more than a sprinkling of scowling, wee wiry guys. It is always something of a mismatch when, in Scottish Cup ties, low birth weight Glesga school weans are pitted against farmers' lads from Fife or the seed of Ayrshire's agricultural labourers. I have no proof, but the height and weight of the opposition lends credence to the belief that steroid feed designed for cattle has found its way into the human food chain.

If we win on Thursday, the name Reilly can be added to that of Wenger, Ancelotti and Ferguson in the pantheon of football manager greats.