Hugh Reilly: Gray short of friends for his day in the sun

Published on Monday 3 January 2011 14:18

As I write, it's likely that Labour leader Iain Gray is sitting at the hearth, totally engrossed in reading The Broons Annual 2011, a book he mistakenly believes to be a ghost-written account of Gordon and Sarah's final days at Number 10.

Or perhaps he is poring over my gift, a copy of The Count of Montenegro by Alexandre Dumbass. I'm certain he now regrets putting down a pair of cartoon-inspired socks - the ideal ironic gift for a personality-free male relative - at the top of his Santa list. If only he had asked Father Christmas for The Hour of Europe: Western Powers and the Break Up of Yugoslavia by Dr Josip Glaurdic, he would have had a happier start to the new year.

In my opinion, there is no beginning to the talents of the first minister-in-waiting yet, incredibly, he is currently the 4-1 odds-on favourite to lead Labour to victory in the May election. It's unbelievable, less credible than a sombrero-wearing Blackpool donkey with cataracts and riddled with rheumatoid arthritis entering the winner's paddock at the Grand National. Little wonder that, to salvage their political careers, some of Mr Gray's stable lads and lassies with foresight have already bolted the scene.

Margaret Curran, one-time MSP and MP for the east end of Glasgow, has decided that Westminster is the best place to improve the interests of her constituents. Citizenry who visit her surgery and raise trifling subjects such as the area's infamously high infant mortality rate, notoriously low life expectancy and God-awful crime statistics will be redirected to the local MSP, leaving Ms Curran to deal with the pressing issues on everyone's lips in Parkhead and Shettleston: UK foreign policy, film classification, research councils, and, oops, almost forgot, xenotransplantation. If any eastender gay couple living in the Calton - twinned with Kabul - wish to emulate the antics of Elton John and his wife David, the good news is that Margaret Curran can advise them of the relevant surrogacy legislation, yet one more reserved matter for which she has responsibility.

The political trail southwards has also been taken by Cathy Jamieson. Elected deputy leader of the Scottish Labour Party in 2000, she enjoyed success as education minister before becoming justice minister in 2003. However, the humiliating ordeal of losing to Iain Gray in the 2008 leadership contest led to her relocating to the House of Commons.

Iain Gray cannot even count on having political heavyweights like Lord George Foulkes sitting on his front bench, as the good Lord has chosen to spend more time in the Other Place.

With Labour unlikely to gain an overall majority, Gray might opt to form a minority government. Given his tiresome mantra of "broken promises" directed towards the minority SNP administration, I'm speculating that his compendium of manifesto pledges will be thinner than a diary of Marcel Marceau's speaking engagements.Come the day of the election win, unemployed teachers will be excitedly ripping up their Job Seeker's Allowance cards, tossing their tattered mortarboards in the air and dusting down their tweed jackets as they celebrate the anointing of the Jeremiah-turned-Messiah who, as shadow first minister, vowed to reverse the decline in teaching posts. The man would surely be crucified if he permitted cash-strapped councils to further slash teaching appointments. Is it just me or do I hear the tap-tapping of nails being driven into wood?

Of course, it's possible that Labour would seek to form a coalition with the Lib Dems, provided, that is, the Lib Dems have any MSPs. Taking a rump of Lib Dem MSPs into a pact with Labour would not embarrass Tavish Scott; after all, he bared his brass neck when he entered government in 2003 on the back of his marvellous performance in leading his party into fourth place. Not to succumb to Labour's overtures would mean goodbye to the chance of a ministerial car. To be fair, if he unexpectedly chooses to remain on the sidelines, I would enjoy the schadenfreude of watching Tavish desperately competing with Green Party MSP Patrick Harvie for a few minutes of airtime on Newsnight as the token small party spokesperson who makes Andy Kerr appear statesman-like. This could be a year to forget.