Hugh Reilly: Another generation driven up the poll

Published on Sunday 3 April 2011 15:20

It's tiresome but every piece of junk mail dumped at a school's office with the words "democracy" or "election" on it is shovelled towards the modern studies department.

Citizenship zealots request - nay, demand - that teachers organise mock elections in the insane belief that such classroom charades will somehow lead to increased political literacy. I know I run the risk of being labelled cynical, but it is an objective fact that voter turn-out has decreased since schools decided to educate youngsters about parties and policies.

Setting up a class election is fraught with difficulties. Sir, the benign dictator who makes the weans run on time, has the sleeky task of socially engineering the names that will appear on the ballot paper.

Idealistic teachers don't miss an opportunity to show their democratic credentials by allowing any pupil to stand. Big mistake. There can only be two possible winners: either the school bully or the class clown. In most cases, the yet-to-be-diagnosed teenage psychopath hits the campaign trail. Anyone daft enough to oppose him risks ending up swimming the fishes, a floating voter if you will.

In normal circumstances, possessing a high forehead and eyes that are eerily too close together would mark down a candidate in the all-important photogenic stakes but his intimidating features make him the dominant political force. However, occasionally, perhaps aware that his long term of office has made him complacent, he stands aside for the class clown. The japester has no policies and his oratorical skills, already somewhat limited by his 100-word vocabulary, are further undermined by employing a nasal whine as his preferred method of verbal communication. His landslide victory greatly amuses him.

In class elections, the electoral system used is vital. AMS, a hybrid of first past the post and proportional representation, is unworkable.

Using the single transferable vote is logistically impossible; after all, where can a class teacher find 140,000 pupils dumb enough to spoil their ballot papers? For the aforementioned reasons, first past the post is the default electoral system. I like to allow the kid with the most votes some precious time to bask in his electoral success … before re-running the contest using the alternative vote.

Teachers with a sadistic streak revel in creating a role play situation whereby classroom groups become political parties. Children love to be associated with success, thus they shout out to be the SNP or Labour.Being told you are the Conservative party is welcomed with the enthusiasm of receiving news of a sudden pet hamster bereavement.

When informed they are the Lib Dems, kids invariably respond: "Who?" The Green party squad bites the lead-free bullet and gets on with the less than eco-friendly task of producing colourful leaflets that will be top of the pecking order for seagulls on a putrefying landfill site.

Immigration, spending cuts, foreign policy; these are just some of policies pupils do not consider important to voters. Longer lunchtimes is the top concern, with toilet doors on every cubicle number two. To be honest, some schoolboy think tanks come up with commendable ideas. For example, the notion that school lockers be made a compulsory item of school infrastructure enjoys my support. Luckily, thanks to the impending cuts to education budgets, there will be far fewer books to carry.

In stark contrast to the world of Scottish politics, copying the policies of other groups is frowned upon. Kids being kids, heck, they often compliment each other's ideas, proof that the scars of their visit to the Holyrood parliament have finally healed. I considered showing my students the recent leaders' debate but they had done nothing to deserve such a dreadful fate. Better that I hide the sight of aggressive finger wagging and infuriating answer avoidance strategies from young minds.

For the sake of our children, let's hope things turn out for the good after 5 May.