'How long must I wait till God tells me about Madeleine?'

Published on Tuesday 10 May 2011 14:54

KATE McCann has revealed how the abduction of her daughter Madeleine led her to doubt her Catholic faith, whether God exists, and even thump the church pews in frustration.

In a candid book about the four years since her daughter's disappearance, she wrote about the anger she felt towards God - even after she and her husband Gerry, 42, received a blessing from the Pope in the Vatican.

The couple have led a high-profile global search for Madeleine since she disappeared from a holiday apartment in Portugal's Algarve in May 2007.

Mrs McCann, 43, said: "I am often asked, 'Has your faith been tested? Do you get angry with God?'

"There have been many times when I've felt God has deserted me or that He has let Madeleine down.

"I've occasionally doubted His existence altogether. And yes, I've been angry with Him.

"I've shouted out loud and on occasion I've hit things. I'm afraid even the church pews have had the odd thumping.

"I do not blame God for Madeleine's abduction. The abductor is responsible for that.

"What I do wrestle with though, is the inexplicable fact that despite so many prayers, almost total global awareness, and a vast amount of hard work, we still do not have an answer.

"My aunt quotes a saying, 'Pray as if everything depends on God. Work as if everything depends on you', and I truly believe that is what we've done.

"Thousands of other people, maybe millions, have prayed. So if Madeleine is alive, why hasn't God brought her back to us?

"If she is not, surely He could lead us to the truth and put a stop to the terrible anguish of not knowing?

"What do we have to do, how long do we have to wait, until He tells us something? Anything?"

She added: "I've found it hard to understand the further awful experiences that have come our way. How can so much suffering and injustice be heaped upon one family?

"It is said that God only gives you a cross He knows you can bear. Well I'm afraid this cross has been far too heavy for far too long."

She added: "For now though, at least, my anger towards God seems to have subsided. I believe in Him and I still feel His presence."

In her book, she also reveals how the stress of losing Madeleine pushed her relationship with Mr McCann to the limit, and how the feelings of guilt left her unable to find any pleasure in her own life.

The book, which is to be released tomorrow, tells of the agony the couple faced when finally deciding to leave the Algarve, four months after their daughter went missing.

Since then, numerous leads and possible sightings have all led to dead ends, leaving them continuously disappointed.However, Mrs McCann admits that, despite the torment she has faced, she held on to her faith and believes that Madeleine is in God's care.

She said: "For the most part I try my best to accept that it is not for me to question His plan. Maybe I just need to be patient and trust Him.

"There is one thing of which I am confident: I believe wherever Madeleine is, God is with her.

"And in my calmer moments, I also believe that in God's time we'll get there."