How is that pressure for you?”, says one of our therapists. “Fine thanks,” says a deeper voice on one side of the room. “Lovely,” I squeak a few seconds later.
Having a massage alongside your other half is an unusual experience.
You know you must stick to spa etiquette – lying on your stomach, face down on the treatment table, obediently silent, but the mischievous part of your brain is telling you to look, quick, turn your head, your partner is having a massage, they’re snoring, how funny, ha-ha-ha.
But I am a grown-up, so I managed to keep it together while experiencing the ultimate Valentine’s Day treat – a Highland Fling Couples Massage at the five-star Fairmont Hotel in St Andrews.
It’s held in this spa’s Highland Suite, a room especially made for two.
After each of us was instructed to inhale the scented steam from an infusion of relaxing essential oils, our therapists began to gently massage our backs, using long strokes with forearms, and thumbs against our shoulder blades.
Classy piano music tinkled in the background, tea-lights flickered, and there was a herbal whiff of lavender and the ache-and-pain-easing clary sage.
Soon, I was barely conscious enough to register that my beau was a couple of feet away.
This treatment is especially soporific because the massage tables are topped with feathery light duvets (which, before you slide under the blanket and tip them all over the floor, are sprinkled with pale-pink rose petals, honeymoon-style).
Backs, necks, shoulders and limbs (all eight) were rubbed with that perfectly medium pressure that’s soft enough to soothe, but firm enough to eradicate any tension. The treatment is precisely choreographed so that you’re both experiencing the same element in tandem.
After an hour of pummelling, the therapists left us to slowly slither off our respective treatment beds and back into our dressing gowns. At last, we could check each other out and have a good laugh.
His hair was all tufty, like a newborn chick, and he seemed to have lost the power of speech, while, I had a Beetlejuice hairdo, and one eye was having trouble staying open.
“How was that?” I asked. “Lovely!” he squeaked.
Quote The Scotsman when booking these treatments, to be taken before the end of March, and you’ll get 25 per cent off. Fairmont St Andrews Spa, St Andrews, Fife
01334 837045, www.fairmont.com