Giving hope and a sense of community to bereaved parents

Published on Monday 24 March 2008 20:06

The Simpson’s Memory Box Appeal in Edinburgh has created a tree to commemorate stillborn babies, writes JENNIFER VEITCH

NEW parents Tracey and Scott Drever were absolutely overjoyed at the birth of their daughter, Nicole, almost six months ago. But their happiness is still very much tinged by the sadness of the earlier loss of their first child.

In August 2006 the Edinburgh couple were devastated when staff at the city’s Royal Infirmary told them that the baby Tracey had been carrying for almost nine months would not survive. The little boy, whom they called Daniel, was stillborn because of a problem with the placenta.

“You just don’t expect these things to happen,” says Scott. “She went full-term, just about, with the pregnancy, and then we had the devastating news the baby was going to be stillborn. Your whole world just about fell apart when you were told.”

What made their loss harder to bear was the taboo that surrounds the subject of stillbirth, and Scott says even people close to them found it very difficult to talk to them about what had happened.

“We definitely experienced that with some people we were close to,” he says. “They wanted to walk past you in the street – it was shocking really, but it was purely because they didn’t know what to say to you. It’s like that with any sort of death, but with it being such a young child, it’s even worse. It’s quite horrible when it happens, but you have just got to be brave and say to people, ‘It’s happened, you’ve got to come and talk to us.’”

The couple were able to take some comfort from a memory box given to them by the charity SiMBA (Simpson’s Memory Box Appeal), which offers support to parents who lose babies, either during pregnancy or around the time of birth. Parents can use the boxes to keep photos of their baby, as well as hand and footprints, and other mementoes like blankets.

“The people at the hospital were absolutely brilliant,” adds Scott. “We were told about SiMBA and, after the event had happened, we were given this memory box, which is basically a keepsake for us to remember our baby. I think from the parents’ point of view, it’s a tremendous source of help and comfort because it’s something you can look back on. You can look at your box, and there are the wee trinkets and stuff, and photographs of the baby.”

Scott adds people who have not experienced losing a baby may find it difficult to understand how helpful these memory boxes can be.

“People find it strange that we have got these photos of Daniel,” he says. “When they came round after it happened and we asked if they would like to see some photos of the baby, they were looking at you as if to say, ‘What are you talking about?’ It sounds quite morbid, but it’s one of these things that, unless it happens to you, you don’t really understand. SiMBA has been a tremendous source of help for us.”

On Easter Sunday, Tracey and Scott were among the first parents to add a specially engraved “leaf” to SiMBA’s new “Tree of Tranquillity” – a specially commissioned bronze sculpture in the city’s Saughton Park.

“This tree of tranquillity they have organised is a great thing, I think,” adds Scott. “It gives us a focus of somewhere we can go and remember our child. I think everybody who has experience of this will find that very helpful as well. We had a wee cremation service for our little boy, and we got a rose bush in the local cemetery. We go to that now and again and lay flowers, and that’s nice.

“But I think it’s even better that SiMBA actually went out of their way to do this. I think it’s really nice to have something there, that’s tangible that parents can go and see and maybe reflect on things.”

Anna Devine, one of the founders of SiMBA, who provides PR and marketing support to the charity, says she came up with the idea of the tree of tranquillity as a focal point for parents to remember their babies. She has spent the past two years working on the project, securing support from Halifax Bank of Scotland and Edinburgh City Council.

“Through my work with SiMBA, I have always felt that there was a real need for bereaved parents to have something, somewhere affirm their babies’ existence,” she says. “I first suggested the idea of creating a sculpted tree that parents could add leaves to a couple of years ago, and have been delighted with the response it has received from parents, bereavement workers and NHS Lothian. The tree will effectively ‘grow’ as more leaves are added and it can hold thousands of leaves. I think this is a beautiful representation of life.”

Every year, thousands of couples in Scotland lose a baby, with hundreds experiencing the trauma of stillbirth. A recent research project carried out at in Edinburgh – The Significance of Ritual In Grieving The Death Of A Baby – interviewed bereaved parents and found they wanted opportunities to grieve for their loss, and to remember their baby.

Scott can empathise with this view, and adds many parents will appreciate being able to add a leaf to the SiMBA tree to remember their child. He says that coming to terms with the loss of a baby is not about forgetting, but learning to live with what’s happened.

“At the end of the day, the wee baby was a human being. I think what SiMBA do is great, because I think in years gone by it was probably a taboo subject,” he says.

“From what I can gather, the baby was taken away and just forgotten about. I am talking from a guy’s perspective, and I’d find that hard myself, but from a woman’s perspective, it must be even harder. People just assume pregnancy is a joyous happy occasion. While nine times out of ten it is, until these things happen to you, you suddenly realise that there is a risk with pregnancy.

“Both myself and Tracey were absolutely shocked when they told us – when we asked how often it happened to parents – they reckoned at Simpson’s in Edinburgh, it was one every other week. While you want to move on, I think it’s important that you have got something to remember them with. I think the tree thing is superb. This idea of everyone who has lost a child having a leaf to put on it, I think that’s a tremendous thing.”

&#149 Details at www.nhslothian.scot.nhs.uk/ourservices/simba