Getting the hump with a 'baby bump' is futile . . it's mother nature's way

Published on Thursday 16 October 2008 10:16

WHEN your own mum asks you if you are with child, you know it's time to make changes. When she pats your stomach in the middle of Zara, looks all concerned and tells you it's okay to tell the truth, you know it's time to make those changes fast.

I'd always prided myself on the fact that I could scoff a whole family size bag of Kettle Chips in one sitting and that I once, as a student, was asked to leave Pizza Hut for downing too many pizza slices at the all-you-can-eat buffet. Chips were my Achilles heel but, no matter how much I ate, I never ventured outside my dress size comfort zone and washboard stomach.

But, lately, something has changed. Maybe it was the operation I had in which the doctors revealed that my body has slowed down in its efforts to repair itself. Perhaps it was the heartbreak diet I was forced into last year. My quest to survive on a size zero diet for a month for an article for the Evening News wouldn't have helped matters either.

Whatever the reason, things had, quite literally, gone to pot, or a 12-week burgeoning pregnancy bump, according to mum.

It's long been known that our metabolism slows with age and, after the age of 25, it's slowly but surely downhill. I just didn't think it had happened to me – or I had given it a helping hand through years of abuse and neglect.

"It's a fact of life," shrugged my fitness friend. "It's not noticeable either and it creeps up upon you – before you know it you're 15lbs heavier."

A fitness and metabolism test revealed that I needed a piddly 1000 calories a day. That's two slices of toast, a boring tuna sandwich and some low-fat, low-carb, low-calorie salad in the evening . . . or a family size bag of Kettle Chips plus dip. And so, to lose that "baby bump" I needed to survive on even less – that of a size zero dieter.

After much sulking and a forthcoming awards party to look not pregnant for, I decided to get to work and opted for the hideousness that is the cabbage soup diet. While surviving on that stinking pottage, some fruit and veg and the odd baked potato surely must be a form of torture, the lure of the promise of shedding up to a stone in a week proved too tempting. One week on I reached for the scales only to find I'd put on 1lb. And my stomach had never been bigger, due to copious amounts of cabbage.

I went on to try them all – the maple syrup diet, lemon diet, carb-free diet . . . and nothing. The only thing for it, my fitness friend finally revealed, was weeks at the gym to build up muscle (which would burn fat and raise metabolism). In fact, my failed attempts had only made the situation worse, further slowing down my metabolism. Getting rid of that bump would be long, painful but worth it.

With the black-tie event looming, my friend had a quick-fix glamorous answer for me. There was a new range of clothing out in Zara. Very stylish, fashion-led yet limited edition. The best bit, she explained, was that it was more generous in size than the standard offering.

"I got this in a size small and I've never been that in my life," she exclaimed. "And look, it gives too, so if I eat too much I still feel comfy."

A quick look at new label, only known as M, revealed my poor unsuspecting friend was wearing their new maternity range.

Then again, perhaps she's on to something.