Fordyce Maxwell: 'I marvel at the many examples of pastry, meat, and magic ingredient'

Published on Saturday 14 November 2009 19:08

OCCASIONALLY a sentence stops you in your tracks. It happened a few days ago working through early morning routine – heft those weights, stir that porridge, an Eric and Ernie impression with the grapefruit – when someone said they were seeking PGI for Lorne sausage.

Luckily I was stirring porridge. A dropped weight or misplaced slice could have been nasty. Protected geographical indication for square sausage, an integral, heart-burning, mass-produced and unremarkable part of Scotland's heart-attack diet? Who'd have thought it?

Obviously, the makers of Lorne sausage, one of whom was making the PGI case to a gob-smacked Today interviewer. I should say "presumably gob-smacked" because, with radio, as the astute will have noticed, you can't see faces.

Not seeing the face can be a disadvantage when the interviewer is taken aback. Memory being what it is – think goldfish – it might have been Justin Webb or Evan Davis, both fastidious enough to be stunned.

But I don't think it was James Naughtie, probably no stranger to a breakfast with sausage slice and beans in his fledgling Aberdeen Press & Journal days. He'd have known how to handle a suggestion that Lorne sausage should be protected in the same way as Champagne, Gorgonzola, Arbroath Smokies and Melton Mowbray pie.

I don't blame the makers of one of the least attractive items ever to appear on a plate – my own opinion and I plead veritas – for trying to boost square slice. But what do they hope to gain? Surely there can't be Lorne sausage makers anywhere else in the world and the Scottish market is probably, no pun intended, oh well, go on, saturated?

PGI means that "it may act as a certification that the product possesses certain qualities or enjoys a certain reputation due to its geographical origin."

Square sausage fits that bill. But qualities and reputation for what? Scots seem to like it, but most other countries have enough of their own low-cost "You must be joking!" fare and are not clamouring for Lorne.

No more than they're clamouring to make Scotch pies which, come to think of it, are a much more worthy candidate for protection. Those responsible for deciding PGI status could start with the World Scotch Pie Championships soon to be held in Dunfermline.

Some might carp that like the USA's World Series baseball – before pedants write, I know it was named after the New York World newspaper – the title is misleading, with 79 of the 80 entries from Scotland and the other from Northumberland.

But I don't carp, only marvel, not only at the many different examples of pastry, meat, filling and magic ingredient, but at the five-a-day pie – vegetables in it, not number of pies to be eaten – and what is being billed as "probably the world's hottest pie".

That is hot as in curry. Its makers said they use phaal curry – triple-strength vindaloo – and that during trial runs "two men cried and one felt faint". Although I've seen traditional pies at football matches have the same effect, give it PGI now.