Fordyce Maxwell: 'Even if the weather was a heat wave, a barbecue would not be in my plans'

Published on Saturday 13 June 2009 20:03

FLAMING June, eh? Heavy to monsoon rain for some, snow and sleet for others, low temperatures for all, with the usual proviso when referring to our wonderful weather "at time of writing". By time of publication it is quite possible that we'll be in to "Phew, what a scorcher!" territory of temperatures tottering into the high teens. Then again, probably not.

The surprise is that we're surprised. June, a fickle jade, should not have the reputation it has as a gentle, warm, welcoming 30 days, redolent of haymaking, picnics and Test matches. It is often cold and wet, as any veteran haymaker can testify. Those who have watched fresh, nutritious green grass turn into brown, mouldy, mush during two weeks of wet weather don't forget.

This fickleness is confirmed by weather experts who, like the rest of us really, tend to comment more accurately on weather that has been than on weather yet to come. They say that unsettled, which is one word for it, weather at the beginning of June is predictable because of the westerly, rain-loaded winds that sweep in from the Atlantic at this time every year.

Consequently, as the monsoon developed earlier this month, one expert advised us to stop trying to light the barbecue and reach for umbrellas as we braced for downpours, flash floods, thunder, lightning and possibly a plague of frogs.

Putting aside the thought that the true worshipper would hold an umbrella while lighting the barbecue and risking the lightning, I reflected that even if summer so far had been the heat wave forecast by the Met Office – remember that upbeat prediction? You've got to laugh – a barbecue would not have figured in our plans. OK, my plans. Been there, been kippered, had the choice of half-cooked potential food poisoning or burnt offering, with or without chilli sauce.

Those in favour of reintroducing a barbecue to our life – I took the last one to the skip years ago, rusty, in pieces that bore the imprint of a hammer and with my curse upon it – have pointed out that I got my jaundiced view in the good old days of solid fuel.

That was before we realised that to get an effective glow – on the barbecue, not the cook – by lunchtime, attempts to light the charcoal had to start about daybreak. As barbecue charcoal is specially selected for its fire-resistant qualities, strong fire-lighters were needed, helped along when necessary, and it invariably was, by a fuel spray.

Flare-ups, not all on the barbecue, followed by a sullen smokiness were frequent. But why go on? One of the world's great divides – along with whether or not we watch The Apprentice or open a boiled egg at the big end or the small end – is between those who can't wait to get into shorts and vest and have a barbecue, and those who would rather stay indoors and switch on the cooker as God intended.

Now I'm told – it's not the technology that's amazing, it's the fact that I've managed to blank it out for so long – that gas-fired barbecues make cooking outside hassle-free. In fact, a cheerful dawdle. All we need is good weather. I rest my case.