Fiona McCade: Wedding invites you should always refuse

Published on Tuesday 26 July 2011 15:02

EVERYBODY loves a wedding. Especially my mother-in-law, who is about to embark on her fourth. You'd think that with all her experience of nuptials, organising the celebrations would be second nature by now, but the bizarre politics of the modern western marriage can catch out even the most professional bride.

My mother-in-law has fallen foul of something that almost everybody has encountered when planning the all-important ceremony. Since we're at the height of the wedding season, brides all over the country - even Zara Phillips, probably - will be tearing their hair extensions out about it. It's so common, it's amazing my much-married MIL hasn't been caught out before. But now she's finally having to confront the true horror of the Contractual Obligation Invitation.

You've probably sent one; you've probably received one. But what's the real etiquette of the COI?

A COI happens when convention dictates that an invitation must be sent - say, to a distant relative, a problem relative or a work colleague you're not particularly close to but you've invited everybody else in the office and it would be glaringly rude not to include them too. However, convention equally requires that the invitation be declined - because they know you had to send it and are gracious enough not to hold you to it.

My wedding involved sending one whopping COI to one of my husband's relatives who has about 18 kids. I was on tenterhooks, terrified that they would actually think I meant it. "If they say yes, they're going to take up so much room I can't invite about half of my friends!" I howled. "Relax," he reassured me. "There's no way they'll say yes. It's a classic COI." And he was right. But I still didn't sleep until the formal refusal arrived.

My mother-in-law's COI situation is not only more complicated, it's turning into a real stand-off.

Recently, she and one of her many sisters fell out. Nevertheless, my MIL still sent her errant sister (and family) the COI, because a COI really means to say: "Dear One, I'm being polite enough to send you this deeply insincere invitation to my wedding. The least you can do is be equally polite and confirm your non-attendance, thereby proving that you know I know you know it's all a total sham."

You might have thought that there being many sisters, and my MIL having had so many weddings, this unwanted sister would do the decent thing and decline the glaringly obvious COI. But no. She's deliberately hanging on and refusing to reply quickly and cleanly, thus forcing my MIL to put plans on hold to invite people she really likes, because there's not enough room at the venue for everybody. The seething is deafening.

Watching this drama unfold has made me even more sensitive to the COI situation. I'm going to carefully scrutinise any future invitations I receive, and I beg you to do the same. Just for a moment, put aside the idea of a day out with free food, the chance to flirt with bridesmaids/ushers and an all-night bar. Please, ask yourself honestly, is this a genuine invitation or are they only asking me because I'm a second cousin/work at the desk across the way/happen to be in the darts team and all the others are going?I think I was a particularly lucky bride, because only one of my COIs was accepted. Everybody else got the message loud and clear and behaved with impeccable good manners in finding other places to be that day - and I loved them for it. After all, sending a COI doesn't necessarily mean you don't like that person. Often, it simply means: "Of course I'd properly invite you if I had more space/more money/fewer obnoxious relatives who will unfortunately say yes, but I haven't, so PLEASE say no!"

Personally, I doubt the sister will turn up to ruin the day, but she's intentionally flouting the COI rules. Nevertheless, my MIL has already decided, when she has her fifth wedding, she'll still send COIs - it's only polite - but she'll book the ceremony for a day when she's absolutely sure none of them can come.