Fiona McCade: The end of the world (again) and I feel fine

Published on Tuesday 17 May 2011 15:13

Are parakeets taking over Britain? Is buying tickets for the Olympics really worth the hassle? Does anybody give a flying Frenchman if Carla Bruni is pregnant? Is there anyone out there who knows why Kim Kardashian is famous?

Don't worry, I know the answer to all these questions is "No". I'm just getting you in the mood for the next one, which is arguably more important: will May 21, 2011 be the End of the World?

You and I are already shaking our heads, but ask Harold Camping, a Californian preacher, if Saturday is Judgment Day and he'll give you a resounding "Yes!" And probably a free "Praise be!" into the bargain.

According to him, at 6pm on 21 May (which, thanks to the time difference, actually means 2am on 22 May here, so Harold's already on dodgy ground), 2 per cent of the world's population will be "raptured" up to Heaven, while 98 per cent of us will be jettisoned elsewhere. So if you're wondering if you'll be one of the lucky ones, the answer is probably another big fat "No".

But before you start spending all your savings and telling people what you really think of them, bear in mind that Rev Camping hasn't got a great track record in the Doomsday prediction department. He first announced that the world would end on 6 September, 1994, so no prizes for guessing the answer to the question: has Harold got it right this time?

Unfortunately, Rev Camping isn't alone in trying to scare the bejeezus out of us. I can't remember a time when there were so many Armageddon theories being bandied around. Right now, with only two days to go before Camping's Rapture, some people are panicking that a current cosmic alignment is an ill omen. Others are awaiting the imminent arrival of Nibiru - a rogue planet hell-bent on smashing us to smithereens. And if none of the above get us first, there's always the so-called Mayan prophecy that the world will end on 21 December, 2012.

I suppose every century has its Doomsday predictions, but I don't get it. What's the allure of total destruction? Why is the human race so keen to anticipate its annihilation?

I can sort of understand the attraction of becoming a prophet of doom. You get 15 minutes of fame - longer if you announce a later date for Armageddon - and some credulous cretins will hang on your every word, even if you get it wrong (Rev Camping still has fans, despite the hiccup of 1994). What I can't get my head around is what the credulous cretins get out of it. Reassurance that they'll be in the top 2 per cent when whatever happens?

Given that I'm in the 98 per cent, I prefer to be positive about the end of the world. The good news is that Nostradamus and Mother Shipton have been very quiet since 1999 passed without incident. Nasa is sanguine about the planets, because after all, an alignment of celestial bodies entirely depends on where you're standing. Look at them from a different angle and they could spell "Shoudda gone to Specsavers".The Bible is very clear that only God knows when he's going to pull the plug, and he hasn't even told Jesus (see Matthew 24:36). And the Vatican, despite a gloomy forecast that this Pope would be the last one ever, still chose a 78-year-old with a heart condition. So they're obviously not worried.

As for the ancient Mayan civilization, far from being their "end of time", 21 December, 2012 merely represents the end of a calendar cycle. The modern Mayans certainly don't believe anything apocalyptic is going to happen; in fact, the most important thing about 22 December, 2012 is that it's the ancient Mayan Buy a New Calendar Day.

Even if you're still slightly nervous that you won't be here on Sunday, you don't have to look far for comfort. While we're on the subject of questions to which the answer is "No", ask yourself this: will China really allow the world to end before it achieves global economic domination?