Fiona McCade: Hats off to Kate (and not spangly pink ones)

Published on Tuesday 29 March 2011 17:30

To some people, my hen night may have seemed a teeny bit dull. Days before my wedding, my cousin and a friend turned up and said: "Whether you like it or not, we're taking you out for a drink". And like the crazy, madcap gal I am, I said: "OK."

So off we went down the pub for a very enjoyable half-cider. Ah, those were the days.

Maybe I despise the traditional, debauched hen night because I live in Edinburgh, the undisputed Traditional Debauched Hen Night Capital of The World. But even if I hadn't been forced into observing a curfew from April to September, when the streets are filled with crowds of drunk, baying women in shocking pink, spangly cowboy hats and unfeasibly short skirts, I don't think this strange ritual would ever have seriously appealed to me. I simply never felt the need to celebrate the end of singledom by slapping on a pair of deely-boppers and a veil; running shrieking from nightclub to nightclub with a horde of perma-tanned harpies wearing "Fi's Hen Night" T-shirts; and getting so wasted, I end up stuffing my Something Blue into the G-string of a muscle-bound faux fireman.

I'm telling you this so you'll understand how sorry I felt for Prince William and Kate Middleton, when details of their recent stag and hen nights failed to satisfy a significant number of people who have since shared their opinions with the world.

Basically, Kate had a quiet night in with several good friends. End of story. There was a wild rumour that they watched Dirty Dancing, but the Palace couldn't possibly comment. This news has not gone down well with many members of the online commentating community; to quote one of the milder verdicts: "Boring cow". Classy lady, more like, but Kate can't really win, can she? If she keeps it quiet and demure, she's a "boring cow", but imagine if she'd thrown caution to the wind, what then? What judgment would the people-watchers have passed on the future queen if she'd been photographed falling out of Stringfellow's in a sequinned boob-tube and a pair of red, plastic devil's horns, then chucking up on the pavement with Chelsy Davy helpfully holding the bride's perfect hair away from the puke? If it's a choice between "boring cow" and "tacky cow", I know which I'd prefer.

I expect William prefers it, too, which might explain why Harry, his best man, confounded expectations and threw a very sedate stag party for him last weekend. Like Kate, William likes things private and low-key, so, despite his playboy reputation, Harry provided nothing more exciting than quad bikes, beer, champagne and 20 close mates. Perhaps there were strippers hanging from the chandeliers; we'll never know, but it's unlikely that would have impressed anybody. Both princes are well used to such unimaginable privilege, their lives to date have pretty much been one, long stag party.The most excessive stag-night prank I ever heard of was when the groom-to-be was drugged, flown to the Falklands by military aircraft, and abandoned there to find his own way home. For William, that would be nothing. One phone call and the whole RAF would come and pick him up.

Besides, one of the reasons Kate and William go well together is because they seem to enjoy the same things and have the same outlook. If you thought my hen night was boring, you should hear about my husband's stag night. He and a mate went to the Grassmarket and had a drink. Is that all? I asked. "No, we got a kebab" he replied, happily. "Each!"

I would have thought less of my beloved if he'd succumbed to clich, and even though I'm no royalist, I consider Kate and William to be refreshingly sane, rather than boring. If I were them, I'd do my real partying at the wedding, because, let's face it, when you're marrying for love, what's to celebrate about leaving your old life behind?

But for all of you who still feel cheated of a truly outrageous, spectacularly riotous royal stag "do", never fear. I'm sure Harry won't let you down.