Fiona McCade: Complete strangers can have a real Tweet

Published on Tuesday 5 April 2011 15:29

How do I look? It's a dangerous question. I usually only dare ask it when I'm pretty darn sure I look as good as humanly possible, as a kind of rhetorical way of squeezing a compliment out of someone.

I honestly don't think I've ever asked that question without already knowing exactly how I looked. I mean, how difficult can it be to decide if it's a bad-hair day or not?

Well, some people seem to find it very difficult, and that's where a new invention comes in. The very first Tweet Mirror has just been installed in a London shopping centre and promises to deliver speedy and accurate answers to anybody who's confused about what they look like.

It works like this: you go into a changing room and try something on. If you're not sure if it's really "you", you emerge - still wearing the doubtful outfit and go and stand in front of the Tweet Mirror. This magic gadget doubles as a high-definition camera, which takes photos of you from as many different angles as you like, then allows you to download them to Twitter, or Facebook, or whatever. Then, having sent your pictures around the world in an instant, you stand back and wait for the flood of responses to come in.

If the Tweet Mirror has appeared in London, rest assured it won't be long before there's one up here, too. But the very thought makes my heart sink.

You see, if this contraption proves successful, there will be only two explanations as to why, and neither gives me much hope for the future of humanity. One is that we've all become insufferable narcissists and it's no longer possible for people to simply try on clothes in the privacy of the cubicle; they have to share even their most banal moments with the world. If this is the case, then it's only a matter of time before every shiny surface becomes some sort of Tweet Mirror. Maybe one day, even windscreens will be fair game: "Here's me, about to have an accident!"

The second possibility is even worse - we're fast losing the ability to make our own decisions.

Insufferable narcissists always think they look fantastic, so this second explanation must be the right one: we're becoming increasingly insecure. Once, when we couldn't answer a question, we phoned a friend; now we poll the world to find out what we should do. We're so paralysed by indecision and self-doubt, we feel safer asking a few million people we don't know - and who don't know us - if we're OK, or not.

If this was a show it would be called Shop Idol. You're putting yourself out there, and you're asking to be scrutinised. But are you really ready for a massive public vote on how nice you look? Obviously, you're hoping that a planetful of Cheryl Coles will ping right back atcha, tweeting on about your general gorgeousness and how you've "nailed" the look. But what if a host of Simon Cowells post their replies instead? And don't think the pictures will stay with your friends, either.Give it an hour or two and your most unwise fashion choices won't be staying safely behind the changing room door. Oh, no. They'll have gone viral, and from Chile to China, everyone will be sniggering about your muffin top.

Most proper grown-ups will be able to see the pitfalls, which leaves the unsettling possibility that it will mainly be used by crowds of indecisive, peer-group-pressured 15-year-old girls. Every Saturday afternoon, the internet will crash as several million pouting Lolitas post their most provocative Tweet Mirror photos.

It's much safer to make your own decisions. However, if you really can't face doing that, for a small fee, you can send your Tweet Mirror pictures to me. I'm very decisive and I'd be happy to tell you if you look hideous or not. I'm a complete stranger, so my opinion will be totally objective and I promise to destroy the evidence entirely. And believe me, that's more than complete strangers out there will do.