Fiona McCade: Losing weight through running, the nasty way

Published on Monday 27 April 2009 19:58

YOU may not want to eat while you're reading this column. You may not want to eat for several days after reading this column.

What's about to follow isn't pretty, so I thought it was only fair to warn you. Think of it as my contribution to whatever weight-loss programme you may be on. However, if your weight-loss programme is called Alli, you're probably already prepared for the worst.

Alli is a diet pill that has just gone on sale in Britain for the very first time. Until last week, supplies were only available on the internet, or by flying to the US, but now it's every UK citizen's Government-given right to buy it over the counter.

Alli has been successful in America because medical tests have shown it is capable, in some cases, of accelerating weight-loss by about 50 per cent. You take three pills a day, at an average cost of 1 per pill, and lose weight because the pill inhibits the amount of fat you absorb from your food. But the power to speed up slimming isn't the main reason Alli is famous.

"Notorious" is perhaps a better word, because if you take Alli, you risk experiencing what users have dubbed the "Alli-oops". You see, Alli has side-effects. The manufacturer prefers to call these "treatment effects", but you won't care what they're called if they happen to you. The Alli instruction leaflet explains: "Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognise it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza… The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes; gas with oily spotting; loose stools and more frequent stools that may be hard to control."

Yes, that's right. When you take Alli, you may well lose weight, but you will also quite probably lose every scrap of dignity you possess, as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza passes – or perhaps explodes, given how hard it is to control – frequently out of your behind. You may recognise it in the lavatory, but you may also notice it trailing after you along the pavement. The fact is that, often unexpectedly, Alli makes you poo lard.

The manufacturer even suggests that: "Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work." So you always have something else to slip into if you turn into a human muck-spreader at the morning conference. Classy.

Apparently, we live in a world where people would rather poo themselves publicly than be slightly overweight. I find it impossible to comprehend why someone would risk uncontrollable defecation rather than cut a few calories, but I also wonder how anybody who is too lazy to do more exercise is going to cope with dashing to the loo every five minutes. Maybe that's the key to Alli's success – it can help you do a one-minute mile with your legs crossed.

Yet the instructions for how to use Alli are perhaps even more insane. Since it's the elimination of fat that causes the unpalatable "treatment effects", the manufacturer recommends eating much less fat. In practice, Alli forces users to follow a low-fat diet. But if they did just that, without Alli, they wouldn't experience what has been politely referred to as "anal leakage".

If you eat too much fat, you need the pill. But taking the pill means you can't eat fat, or your derriere will detonate, so you don't eat fat. So then, surely, you don't need the pill?

This is adding irony to insult. It's terror dieting – avoiding fatty foods through sheer fear of what might happen if you don't. Alli's manufacturer puts it more positively: "Treatment effects… might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. Alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings." Or stop you ever going out again.

Helpfully, though, it suggests if your sphincter is about to give way: "The bathroom is really the best place to go." Not The Jeremy Kyle Show, then.

The popularity of Alli is beyond my ken. Even if you do lose weight, what's the best thing people can say? "You look great – but have you trodden in something?"

If you're even slightly tempted to take this stuff, there's nothing more I can do for you. Off you trot – if you'll pardon the phrase – to the chemist. But remember, nappies give you terrible VPL.