Fiona McCade: A degree in marriage doesn't qualify as art

Published on Monday 23 March 2009 19:07

MARRIAGE can be many things – an institution, an aspiration, a trap, a mistake, an excuse to get lots of presents and dress up like a cake – but I've never thought it could qualify as a work of art. Until now…

Alex Humphreys is studying visual communication at Leeds College of Art and Design and her final project is to get married. To pass the course, she has to get a male human who is taller than her and possesses a sense of humour (she doesn't mention if he has to be conscious or sober) to say "I will" to her before June.

For Humphreys, marriage is the "big concept" that will get her a degree. For those of us who have already done it, it can feel less like art and more like a craft. It's something that can be quite mundane and into which you have to put hard work and dedication.

If, as seems likely, Humphreys wants to follow in the footsteps of artists like Damien Hirst or Tracey Emin, she's chosen the wrong vehicle entirely. Marriage is an institution, not an installation. It's supposed to go on and on – and anyway, Gilbert and George are already doing rather well at being the art world's favourite old married couple.

No, if she wants to create a proper happening, she should present her examiners with something different and exciting. Assuming her virginity isn't up for grabs (not an original idea, anyway) she should be thinking of something shorter, sharper and more shocking than marriage – like a dirty weekend in Paris, for example. That way, she could get a pseudo-honeymoon without having to fork out for a wedding.

But if the thought of parading all those rumpled sheets is too Emin-derivative, maybe she should just walk up to total strangers and snog them. That's real performance art, with none of the boring bits like promising to love, honour and give a damn for the rest of your uneventful life. Besides, marriage as an "event", created and destroyed within tight time parameters, has been done. Just ask the great life-as-concept artiste Britney Spears.

Humphreys insists that she's "serious about finding the man I wake up next to for the rest of my life and marrying him before my course ends in June… I've been single too long and don't want to end up a spinster."

You can see how a 23-year-old, having spent so long on the shelf, might feel that way, but what's truly remarkable is that she received 150 offers from men and now has a shortlist of five. One is even willing to fly her to his home in Chicago for the wedding, which seems gallant until you consider how much cheaper that is for him than shipping a mail-order bride from the Philippines.

Of course, simply by writing about her, I'm giving Humphreys what she wants most: publicity. But I think she might genuinely need some help, because even though she's been studying it for years, she doesn't seem to understand the fundamental meaning and purpose of modern art.

First of all, she says she's serious. Wrong answer. Then she says: "I'm not doing this to make a shock statement, or make fun of the institution of marriage." Wrong again. This is concept art, sweetie. No fun? No shocks? Then you've already failed your degree and the dress isn't even bought yet.

As the likes of Damien and Tracey will no doubt agree, there are three vital elements needed to create any successful piece of modern art: 1, Come up with a concept – OK, she's ticked that box. 2, Gain notoriety – tick again. 3, Sell it. Oops!

Humphreys obviously has the basic skills required to make it as an artist – ie, none – but she's fallen at the most important hurdle of all: commercial acumen.

Can you sell a marriage? No, or everyone's wedding video would be in the Tate. Tracey Emin sold her bed; it's rubbish, but it's instant, evocative and right there in front of your eyes. Unless Humphreys can persuade her groom to stand around in a gallery with her until they divorce, and have someone else to pay them to do it, she's not going to make much out of this particular idea.

I hate to be negative, so I'm going to make a constructive suggestion. Alex, if you want to make a mockery out of one of life's great experiences, don't get married – have a baby instead. It takes nine months to create rather than three, but you can definitely sell it.