Film review: Circue du Freak: The Vampire's Assistant

Published on Sunday 18 October 2009 12:19

CIRQUE DU FREAK: THE VAMPIRE'S ASSISTANT (12A)* * Director: Paul Weitz Running time: 108 minutes

THESE are mighty dispiriting times if you're a follower of vampire movies. Pop culture has been running twists on the Dracula legend ever since Nosferatu in 1922, but these days it's hard to throw a stake without hitting a vampire somewhere.

This latest addition to the undead pile-up combines the plot of TV's True Blood with the intensity level of Grange Hill. Based on the second novel in Darren Shan's young-adult series, its title is self-explanatory; John C Reilly is a not-sexy vampire, Mr Crepsley. Chris Massoglia is Darren, the ordinary teenager who saves the life of his best friend Steve by agreeing to become Reilly's assistant, and consequently a half-vampire to boot.

This means leaving his small-town life forever and joining a freak circus that includes Salma Hayek's bearded lady, Rebecca the Monkey Girl (Jessica Carlson), some midget trolls left over from The Lord Of The Rings, and a half-snake half-musician (Patrick Fugit) who becomes Darren's roommate.

All these characters are more interesting than Darren – Salma Hayek waves around a cantilevered cleavage so impressive that some male viewers may not even realise she has a beard – but it's Darren we're stuck with.

Compressing several of Shan's books leaves many of the more beguiling characters with little to do except accessorise. John C Reilly has a spider for a pet, Salma for a girlfriend and eternity to fret about the loneliness of immortality, but still has to play second fiddle to Darren faking his own death in a coffin playing with a Game Boy until dusk.

The rest of the carnival cast have even less to do. Even the villains spend too much time flashing their CGI teeth, tails or eyes, keen to reassure us that when the sequel is released they are going to be very dangerous and exciting indeed.

On the strength of this flat OC/Dawson's Creek meditation on growing up, becoming independent and embracing your not-so-hidden inner freak, the filmmakers have more chance of bringing back Max Schreck.

Cinemas nationwide from Friday

This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday on 18 October 2009