Ewan Morrison: 'Neds should be eliminated. I came to this conclusion just before I called the police'

Published on Saturday 10 May 2008 20:05

NEDS. My politically correct friends hate it when I use that term, even though I say it with a sigh of despair. Non-Educated Delinquents should be pitied, they tell me. "How can they escape from that way of life when the name hangs over them," they say. "It destroys their self esteem and limits their chances of self betterment. The word should be banned."

I agree, but for different reasons. The word should not exist because Neds should be eliminated. I came to this conclusion the other day in the park, just before I called the police.

I've just moved to a quiet place on the outskirts of Glasgow for the sake of a bit of bourgeois peace and quiet. I feel I've earned it, having put my years on the dole behind me and dragged myself out of squalor and self-hatred. The park was part of the finding-peace-within plan. The apple and cherry blossom trees outside my window; the birds singing; a new play-area that my kids love; flowers in bloom and everything potentially blooming lovely. Until Saturday evening when the Neds descend.

Breach of the peace, harassment, vandalism, littering, underage drinking, uprooting council property (daffodils), and if the singing of sectarian songs in public places is a crime yet it takes the number of offences committed to seven.

Essentially, a group of 10 12-to-16-year-olds tried to destroy the swings, sang "f*** the Pope" while consuming multiple cases of lager and shouted obscenities at passers-by, of which I was one. The police didn't make it to the scene.

The politically correct are right in a sense – words can exert a powerful influence. Through the word Ned becoming commonplace (check out the Oxford English Dictionary) it shows that, as a society, we're accepting Neds as part of our daily lives. To compound the problem, Neds are now looked upon with smiling eyes as a symbol of Scottish authenticity. Over and above the affectionate portrayals in TV shows such as Still Game, there are websites that celebrate all things Neddy – including Burberry, Buckfast and Neddette fashions.

It has to stop. Neds have not been around for that long, and the conditions that led to their creation can be reversed. Four generations or so (with rapid state-funded reproduction techniques) and we can breed them out of society.

For fear of them becoming an acceptable social group, I would like to take the politically correct at their word and offer some alternatives to the acronym.

P.U.L.S.E. (after a favoured brand of extra-strong cider popular among the underaged) – Persons of the Underclass with Low Self Esteem.

P.O.W. – Persons who Own Weapons.

P.L.E.A. – Persons with Limited Educational Affinity.

R.O.T. – Repeat Offending Teenagers.

Y.T.S. – Youths Trapped in Squalor.

F.I.R.M. – Fear Inducing Reproduction Machines.

Y.O.B. – Young Offenders by Birth.

Hopefully by using these new acronyms we can be more honest about what Neds are really like, as a first step to doing something about them. Society isn't to blame after all – but each and every individual Ned is. That's certainly how I intend to deal with them – individually.