England's football superstar? More like the school swot

Published on Thursday 24 June 2004 01:48

ENGLISH football seems to have softened.

You see the England midfielder and I shared an education in Margaret Thatcher’s promised land of Essex - a mock-Tudor suburban dormitory for sports promoters and mobile phone millionaires. Brentwood School was a fee-paying institution that closely reflected the outlook of its female client base; lofty ideals but modest entry requirements. Pupils aimed for class prizes and the responsibilities of house captain. But for many parents, the most coveted items were a cocktail cabinet that lit up when opened and a fortnight in Orlando.

Geographical snobbery divided the school like a self-assembly garden fence. On one side were the verdant lawns of Shenfield, Billericay and Chelmsford. On the other side, and fractionally over the London boundary, lay the crazy-paved patios of Romford, Gidea Park and Chigwell. Romford-born Lampard, the swaggering son of West Ham legend Frank Lampard Snr, was suspicious of my nerdish appreciation of classical music. I remained in fear and awe of his clever teasing and precocious knowledge of the opposite sex.

While he played for the school football team, I stood on the sides as a linesman. I gave that up, claiming black wasn’t my colour. In truth, I failed my refereeing exams; Stevie Wonder would have made a better match official.

Lampard was also a strong performer in the classroom. By 1994, he had achieved 11 GCSEs: one A star, four As, five Bs and a C. Accomplished in French, he is almost certainly the only Premiership footballer with a GCSE in Latin. That is no mean achievement when you come from a part of the world which thinks Via Dolorosa is a Spanish golfing resort and In Loco Parentis is a song by the Four Tops.

Apart from being slung in detention for bunking off school to play an FA youth cup game for West Ham, the England hero was generally, well - a gentleman and a scholar. But I doubt his daily routine at Stamford Bridge calls for muttered Latin insults - such as my favourite, Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris (If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar).

Even if you discount earning 15,000 a week as a measure of success, Lampard has eclipsed his Essex contemporaries. A search on Friends Reunited uncovers a sorry roll call of city spivs and holiday villa sales reps. Others have escaped to more exotic vocations. One has become a "horticultural therapist" (counselling weeping willows?) while one of the cleverest runs a comic shop in Bristol.

Among the more notorious graduands of Brentwood’s College for the Aspirational is Jodie Marsh, who claimed to have been cruelly bullied. Fellow pupils in her year, including Eddie Hearn, son of boxing promoter and Leyton Orient football club chairman Barry Hearn, dismiss her accusations. For a school that also produced Noel Edmonds and Jack Straw, the professional slapper made famous by the ITV programme Essex Wives has not proved the best ambassador.

Lampard himself has fallen foul of the tabloids, most memorably when the People obtained video footage of him and Premiership pals Rio Ferdinand and Kieron Dyer enjoying group sex with girls in a Cyprus hotel room. A separate conquest, "teenage beauty" Aimee Smith, gave Lampard eight out of ten for his performance and described his bottom as "like carved marble". One suspects her experience of non-porous rock owes more to porcelain since she confessed to a sexual encounter in a toilet with another footballer on the same holiday.

Lampard has since vowed to settle down and concentrate on his game. His post-match interviews may be characterised by the glottal stop but don’t be fooled. He is probably the sharpest blade on the pitch.