Emma Cowing watches Celebrity Big Brother: Michelle's at liberty to be nobody once more

Published on Tuesday 20 January 2009 18:17

SO FAREWELL then, Michelle "there are six eggs in a dozen" Heaton. You were without doubt one of the weepiest housemates to grace the studios at Elstree since Michael Barrymore. If only you had been even half as entertaining.

Turns out Michelle, who received the loudest boos yet for an eviction on Monday night, wasn't very popular inside the house either, despite her puppyish excitement over everything from toast to toenails. During nominations, La Toya described her as a "follower" who wants to be in control, Tommy declared her "immature" and suggested she needed a "sense of perspective", while Coolio remarked that she had "deglossed my shine". I don't know, Coolio. The shine on your smile when she was evicted looked pretty glossy to me.

I never quite worked Michelle out. In some ways she was a game girl – ate three chillies without complaint, was prepared to spend five minutes in a darkened room with a (turns out, non-existent) tarantula – but she was also whiny, petulant and immature, qualities that are tedious in the extreme in a Celebrity Big Brother housemate unless, of course, there's someone like Coolio there to exploit them.

I never really bought into the supposed Michelle/Ben romance, primarily because I didn't care enough. Maybe there was some clever scheme going on to manipulate the situation to their own advantage (the two share an agent, apparently), but I'm not sure either of them is imaginative enough for such a bright idea. I suspect Coolio probably didn't really believe it, either, but he spied the situation as an opportunity he could turn to his advantage.

I'm not particularly a Coolio fan – he can be crass, crude and rude, so much so that for the remaining housemates it must be like living with a rambunctious, hyperactive teenager. I'd rather share a log cabin with a water buffalo that has ADD. But at least he is entertaining, and he is playing the game, and he knows what the capital of Australia is.

During a late-night discussion about Michelle between Tommy, Coolio and Terry the night before the eviction, Terry sailed rather close to the bone, remarking that they shouldn't really be criticising her because that would be like "criticising all the f*cking thick types who vote on shows like this".

He's got a point. But hang on, Terry, if that really is the case, what does that make the types who go on shows like this?