Emma Cowing watches Celebrity Big Brother

Published on Wednesday 14 January 2009 18:48

SO THE coven is up for eviction. Quelle surprise. That's what happens to groups of women who spend all their time sitting cross-legged in the bedroom, playing with each other's hair and whining about how everything is, like, so unfair. The only woman to be spared the axe this week is LaToya, whose reputation in the house appears as Teflon-coated as her face.

LaToya's status is in sharp contrast to that of Ulrika, who, after racking up an impressive five nominations, is officially The Most Unpopular Person In The House. Coolio was direct. "She thinks she's superior," he told Big Brother. "Well, she can take her superior ass home." Tommy complained that during the aerobics task he was "dismissed – like a numpty". Like a numpty? Please God, no – not that. Anything but that.

Perhaps the funniest Ulrika nomination came from LaToya, who burbled on sweetly about how Ulrika just wanted to go home and seemed unhappy, until Big Brother pointed out that wasn't a valid reason. LaToya whipped her head round, tweaked an eyebrow and spat out a list of reasons for disliking the Swede that was as long as Coolio's dreadlocks. "I can see hatred in her face," she rounded up, her eyes flashing dangerously. Wow, calm down there, LaToya. You're in danger of becoming audible to species outwith the canine family.

This year there is a real division in the house between the sexes. This probably has a lot to do with Coolio, who is not only sexist, but also talks about sex all the time, which has the effect of driving away all the women bar LaToya (I get the impression that inside her head, a tiny record player plays Michael Jackson's Greatest Hits on an endless loop, drowning out any ephemera she's not interested in), lemming-style, to bitch quietly in the bedroom. Thus they are then viewed as prime candidates for nomination by the rest of the house. It is entirely deliberate on Coolio's part, and really rather genius.

Speaking of Coolio, his spat with Michelle is failing to stimulate my tear ducts. Aged 28, she has yet to learn the basic playground rule that if you react to teasing, you will be teased more. Instead she gets hysterical and weepy, wailing to Big Brother between snotty sobs that she can't take Coolio's suggestions that she and Ben fancy each other. Of course, what she doesn't know is that the rest of the house think this too. Perhaps we should vote her out tomorrow and see how she reacts to that.