Emma Cowing watches Celebrity Big Brother

Published on Thursday 8 January 2009 20:59

"TOMMY and LaToya have been in the bathroom philosophising for one hour and 19 minutes," intones the voiceover.

Philosophising? Is that what they're calling it nowadays? Yet sure enough, LaToya is perched on the bathtub, wittering on about life and planets and other confusing things. She sounds like she's reading aloud from the Ladybird Guide to Descartes. Never fear though, LaToya, Tommy is here to illuminate matters for you. "I wouldnae dismiss it," he counsels her, "but I wouldnae promote it either." That clears that up then.

What it doesn't clear up, however, is that Tommy has been promoting something in the house – The Fields of Athenry to be exact, an Irish protest song that gets the back up of many a blue-shirted Glaswegian football supporter. It was on the miniscule amount of live feed C4 is putting out, and quickly cut. I can't imagine why.

This is even more interesting given that Tommy seems hyper-aware of how he is being portrayed on the show. He gets all funny with Michelle when she suggests a harmless bop along to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5, convinced that it will be made into something it's not and "upset our partners". Striding around the room in angst, he remarks "We've no control, so we need to be double wide." Michelle, probably imagining some terrifying weight gain programme, looks baffled.

While some members of the household are decrying the crown, others are making the most of it. Terry, below, as head of house, swans around, or more accurately, scoots around on the back of Verne's mobility vehicle, smug smile firmly affixed, while the housemates tend to his every need. Coolio is unimpressed when asked to give Terry a bath, scrubbing his back as if Terry were a hippopotamus with rotting root canals. It must seem awfully far away from that gangsta's paradise of his.

The manipulation in this year's CBB is blatant. No letting them sit around in a stupor doing nothing all day, moaning about the amount of rice in the cupboard. Instead they're dressing up, running around, and constantly performing tasks that have been dreamed up with the express purpose of making them look stupid. I love it.

Quote of the day belongs to Ulrika (and for goodness' sake people, keep the woman in tonight), who says of Tommy's worries about portrayal: "If you hold yourself as a serious politician you shouldn't put yourself in a showbiz environment." Now that, LaToya, is a good philosophy.