Emma Cowing watches Big Brother: Malone invokes the daft side of the force

Published on Thursday 15 January 2009 18:34

YOU'VE GOT to wonder what's become of your femininity when Terry Christian makes a better Sugar Plum Fairy than you. Then again we're talking about a woman who bellows statements like "I've just p*ssed me'self" in the sort of voice most people reserve for shouting the word "Fire!" Or possibly, "Help, I'm stuck in a house with Tina Malone!"

Tina has turned uncouthness into an art form, stomping round the house like an angry hippopotamus with an ingrowing toenail. She swears, she shouts, she farts, all the time using the sort of language that would make a hairy Glasgow docker blush. My dislike of her has nothing to do with her weight, by the way, although she will bang on about it. The fact is, Tina would be just as unappealing whether she weighed six stones or 26 stones.

Aside from all her sweary chatter (most of which, thankfully, is unfit for publication in a family newspaper), the woman has no backbone. She talks the talk – endlessly, mind-numbingly, until you want to burst your eardrums with a blunt pencil in frustration – but she refuses to walk the walk. She's always telling Ulrika what she "would" say to Coolio, yet she never does. She discusses people behind their backs and, despite declaring before she went into the house that she would confront anyone she disagreed with, she has yet to put a penny of her money where her large, gobby mouth is.

The women (aside, possibly, from LaToya) seem blissfully ignorant about this, treating Tina like some blonde Liverpudlian Yoda. Coolio, however, is very aware, using it as yet another piece of artillery in his war of the sexes. Good old Coolio. He's an irritating toddler of a man, but you can't say he doesn't play a good game.

Terry, admittedly, does look disturbingly elegant in a tutu. Perhaps he missed his calling with the Royal Ballet. Tommy, on the other hand, thinks his costume for the toy task – a red racing car – is "a nonsense". He even locked himself in the bathroom in protest and says he's "prepared to go to jail" for his beliefs. You do that, Tommy. Fight the power!

Tina is favourite to go tonight. I hope she doesn't. I want my money's worth – OK, Channel 4's money's worth – from her. I want to see her actually say something to someone's face for once, rather than to the back of Ulrika's head.

Mutya out, please: dull, bored and boring. And that skanky dressing gown she seems glued into must be in desperate need of a wash.