Dumbledore conjures up gay frights in US

Published on Tuesday 30 October 2007 01:16

IT'S time I intervened in the furore about Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore who, as I understand it, are more or less fictional characters. JK Rowling has decided Dumbledore, a wizard with a beard the size of Wales, is gay. Most of us welcomed this development as fairly normal. But, in Americashire, particularly in the middle bits which are far from the sea - and therefore weird - folks have gone doolally.

There, people actually believe the Bible, which is usually treated here as a source of entertainment, like Lord of the Rings or Viz magazine. As a result, they're not fond of gays, necromancers or Hittites, all of whom they'd like to smite. As Dumbledore ticks two of these boxes - the Hittite allegation remains unproven - he's liable to be run out of town with vim.

Listen to this nutter: "I am a Christian who supported these books. Now I will make sure I throw away all the copies I have. No-one in my family will ever read that trash again." There's only one person you can consult about that sort of thing, and that's Professor "Trash" Gordon Graham, formerly of Aberdeen and now Professor of Liturgical Bilge at Princeton University. However, he's fed up speaking out about things and just wants to be left alone now.

One place you're sure to find comments is the internet because, there, it can be done anonymously, and contributors don't need a brain. Melissa Anelli, who runs the Potter-loving Leaky Cauldron website, said: "My inbox is full of people who wish to let me know that I'm scum [and] that JK Rowling should go back to the devil who spawned her." This is grim news. Grim news indeed. Devils. Spawning. Where will it all end?

The Midwest is weird. In one town, I remember noticing that, while many chaps seemed slim on top, they all waddled with a heavy gait. I asked one citizen about it and he said it was because they had to wear three pairs of trousers as a triple defence against temptation. I asked him what he did in the event of urination, and he punched me, saying: "We don't go in for that sort of thing here, buddy." True story.

Mind you, it's not just in America that daftness abounds. According to the Sun, one macho fellow in Englandshire is now regretting the massive tattoo of Dumbledore he had done on his back. One of his tough mates jeered: "I expect you'll be getting one of Graham Norton next."

Meanwhile, Harry Potter, the principal character in the JK Rowling books, has been dragged off his quidditch stick and into political controversy. The French newspaper, Liberation (translation: Liberation), has claimed him as a socialist who opposes the free market, while the Muggles are the ordinary dimwits who make up most of the electorate. Before you start burning something or vowing never to eat snails again, let me explain: the French are different from us. They think philosophy is a serious subject. They invented existentialism, which has left many young people staring into space, thinking life is futile. Obviously it is, but you don't go telling people that.

I'll tell you this: JK Rowling could never dream up monsters as scary as the Christian Right in America. And, as for Potter being of the Left, we look forward to his turning Hogwarts into a comprehensive and giving Hagrid the jannie a pay rise.

Taking a pop at all this festival 'fun' isn't just a job for the Taleban

The Taleban would frown on the Afghans' festival antics

HOW distressing that the Afghans have held a Glastonbury-style pop festival. Is this what we fought the war for? Well, yes. However, we should endeavour to retain the good points of the Taleban system, such as the ban on dancing and any music that might make the hips move in a libidinous manner. The road to hell is paved with pop, but that didn't stop one raver claiming: "It is good to have something like this for a change. It is fun." Britain didn't get where it is today by having fun and, in Scotland, we know full well that fun is something you pay for later, perhaps with an accident or painful illness. If the Afghanites continue on this hedonistic path, they could soon find their country turning into the sort of warzone that is Edinburgh on a Saturday night.

Shoppers beware the call of nature

PEOPLE who want to bring wolves back to the countryside really get my goat. Here we are, trying to evolve beyond the evil system of nature and these fantasists want to turn back the clock. Not only that, but they want to keep citizens off the land so their beasties can dismember each other in peace. Nature red in tooth and claw: if you ever hear anyone defending this bilge, keep them talking while I summon a constable. The latest experiment is being hatched by someone described as the "owner" of 23,000 acres of Scotland. Wrong. He owns nothing but a piece of paper and even that should be taken off him. It is disappointing that the SNP administration has not imprisoned these people and handed over their land to rampaging mobs of decent people.

The only thing I agree with some feudal landlords about is that birds of prey are a thundering nuisance. These ghastly cannibals have started harassing Asda shoppers at Halbeath, Fife. Here, however, the birds are blameless. Many eagles will happily take elephants when they can get them and, seen from the air, some Asda shoppers look distinctively jumbo-esque. In fact, the entrances to some stores are now haunted by knots of sad individuals known as bloater-spotters, who, in the manner of their train-watching brethren, note down details of various lard-buckets blundering in and out of the stores.

Nature is a load of dangerous nonsense. Only this week, the actor Ewan McGregor (out of the film Bloaterspotting) reported nearly being trampled by an elephant.

Speaking from Asda, Botswana, he said: "One started following me with its ears up, trumpeting."

Ears up? Trumpeting? Where will it all end?