Dr Jeff Halperin on stress management for men

Published on Sunday 30 May 2010 12:12

How do young men deal with stress? Pretty badly it seems. Young women support each other by talking about feelings and relationships and are happy to use counselling services.

But young men stay silent and alone. Being masculine still means self-reliance and sorting stuff out for yourself, so you don't show your feelings and you don't ask for help.

Young men are very uncomfortable with all that confessional talk about sadness, hurt and anxiety and feel that doctors and health professionals patronise them and judge them by their hoodies and appearance, rather than by the reality of their troubled lives.

So what happens to all that testosterone-fired male stress and angst? Lots of it comes out as irritability, anger, drug and alcohol abuse, withdrawal, apathy and refusal to communicate.

The consequences are dire, with young men carrying lots of untreated depression and being at high risk of suicide and anti-social behaviour. Reading the e-mails that come into the Sort Out Stress website show how much parents and girlfriends suffer for their young men. Where is that 21st-century reconstructed new man in touch with his feminine side? Maybe that was always just a middle-class media myth.

GREEN-EYED MONSTER

I really love my boyfriend but since he lost his job he keeps going crazy when we go out. If he drinks or if I talk to another man he goes into a sulk and argues with everyone. I am scared to talk to him about it and don't know what to do.

You need to let him know how you are feeling but you have to choose the moment and get it right. If you discuss it when he is angry he will feel criticised and there will be a row.

Losing his job may have been a big blow, making him feel a failure and undermining his confidence as a man, so he feels vulnerable and jealous when you speak to other men. When things are calm and good between you, tell him how much you love him and that sometimes he seems stressed and angry and drinks too much, and that makes you worry about him and a bit nervous of talking to him. Make it clear just how much you support and care for him, as a person, regardless of what is happening with work, and that you want things to be good between you.

SMOKE ALARM

Our son is 21 and over the last year has shut himself away in his room, refusing to talk to anyone. He used to smoke a lot of marijuana and always thinks people are watching him and often laughs in an odd way. We feel desperate, but he won't listen to us or his friends, and we just don't know what we can do.

There could be many explanations for your son's changed behaviour and we do know that marijuana can produce paranoia, but the fact that he is so withdrawn and behaving so strangely is worrying and suggests there is a risk of him developing a mental illness.

If this is the case, it is vital you get help as soon as possible because we know that people recover best with early treatment. You should speak to your family GP and he/she can make a home visit or arrange for your local community mental health team to come around and have a word with him.

Your son may protest but it really is in his best interests that you, as his parents, take this step and be proactive

Dr Jeff Halperin is consultant clinical psychologist and project leader of Sort Out Stress. Visit www.sortoutstress.co.uk or www.twitter.com/sortoutstress

&#149 This article was first published in The Scotland On Sunday, May 30, 2010