Couple with problems plus mother-in-law equals break-up

Published on Saturday 27 February 2010 19:20

DID Cheryl Cole's decision to move her mother in kill off her marriage? Claire Black on how three into two just didn't go

THE star-crossed lovers were ripped asunder by forces greater than their precious love. Or, if you're feeling a bit less romantic, Chezza and "Cashley" Cole – the only celebrities who've ever made the National Lottery look cheap – are done for. One alleged night with a hairdresser called Aimee still left a love worth f-f-f-fighting for, but four more alleged indiscretions, including one with a topless model called Sonia Wilde, put the four-year marriage in a predicament beyond even saintly, savvy, street-smart (there seems to be no end to the alliterative terms of adulation ascribed to the national treasure in waiting) Cheryl's ability to forgive. This, after all, is a woman who earns pots of cash for telling women they're "worth it".

There's a reported 35 million worth of swag to squabble over and who can guess what'll happen to Buster and Coco (the chihuahuas). But the real question is, whose fault is it?

Until recent days, the one pictured in badly fitting white underpants on the front of several national newspapers (not to mention the mobile phones of a gaggle of glamour models) might have been expected to raise a sheepish hand and take the blame, but now there's a new alleged home wrecker in the frame: Cheryl's mum, Joan Callaghan.

Hurtmore House (really, you couldn't make it up), the Coles' 4m mansion in Godalming, Surrey, has been home to Cheryl's mother since 2008, when her popstar daughter asked her to move in. Having already tried to blame The X Factor (for making her too busy), Girls Aloud (for, er, making her too busy), Ashley has now complained that his marriage to Cheryl never stood a chance once her mum got her pedicured tootsies under their gold-leaf triple-leaf dining table. There have been strenuous protestations from the Tweedy camp, but still, questions do arise.

Is living with your mother-in-law really an excuse for being unfaithful? What pressure does it put on a couple when a parent moves in? And can such an arrangement really ever work?

When Cheryl Tweedy said back in 2005 that she "couldn't wait to be a footballer's wife" after having succumbed to Ashley's cheeky charms (his opening gambit was apparently along the lines of "hey hot lips, nice bum") she probably didn't anticipate that when the Chelsea left-back said he would love, honour and protect her he meant until the marquee was flattened, rather than until they shuffled off this mortal coil. For Ashley, having a wife who's become, with a little bit of help from Simon Cowell, the nation's sweetheart, and an ever-present mother-in-law has proved too much of a distraction for him to keep his little striker in his shorts.

For some, it's a story about overpaid, over-pampered stars never being told to behave themselves. For others it's an issue of crumbling self-esteem under a relentless media spotlight. Whatever the reasons, as the break-up plays out across more column inches than even the Beckhams' most orchestrated appearances can usually muster, both mothers have stepped into the fray. This fight is no longer about Cheryl and Ashley (Buster and Coco); it's about Joan and Sue (Cole) too.

As well as living with her for the past two years, Joan has come to the aid of her daughter, reportedly arranging for boxes to be delivered to facilitate Ashley's unceremonious departure. Meanwhile Sue, Ashley's mum, is acting as the go-between in the hope of reuniting the couple. If they didn't seem doomed before, they do now. After all, Ashley is 29 and Cheryl is 26 – surely by that age you'd be expected to sort out your own personal life rather than call on your mum to do it for you?

According to Sue Maxwell, a sexual and relationships psychotherapist and head of network services at Relationships Scotland, the input of a parent, whether well-intentioned or not, is likely to cause more harm than good.

"There's nothing worse for women and men than to constantly talk to their parents about their relationship," says Maxwell. "It can be very destructive. Many couples have the problem where mum or dad's opinion matters more than the partners – that's without living together – but where that happens it really can be unhelpful. It destabilises the relationship."

There can be little doubt that in the world of footballers' wives (Wags), mothers (Mogs) are a growing force to be reckoned with. Wayne Rooney's mum, Jeanette, was accused of upstaging her daughter-in-law, Coleen, at her hen-do by losing seven stones in weight before the event. And Colette McLoughlin, Coleen's mum, is regularly photographed festooned with shopping bags alongside her daughter. But there's one thing being around to support your daughter and another to be so close as to be the third person in their marriage.

Ashley Cole has said that his mother-in-law's presence at the Coles' marital home was too close for comfort, but is that an excuse for his behaviour?

"Of course not," says sex expert Tracey Cox, author of Super Sex For Life, not least because Cheryl asked her mum to move in after reports of the first infidelity broke. That doesn't meant there aren't questions to be asked, though. "I am interested in what was she thinking. Why was moving your mum in going to make your husband behave? Did she think that he wouldn't come home late because her mother was there? Quite frankly it's more likely to have the complete opposite effect. He'd want to not be there, especially if he was feeling ganged up on."

For Cox, as soon as Callaghan came to stay, the likelihood that her son-in-law would remain faithful all but disappeared. "Basically by moving the mother in, she virtually guaranteed that he was going to do it again. It's a silly, ganging-up move. It makes her look stupid. Why does she need her mother to protect her? Can't she fight her own battles?"

According to Maxwell, no matter what the intentions, when one partner's parent moves in, the dynamic is thrown off: instead of there being two people in a relationship, suddenly there are three, and that's never going to help if things are going badly. "There's always a collusion," she says. "When you've got a mother and daughter they have a way of being that is very focused on who they are and who they have always been and they know each other intimately. If the reason that they've decided to live together is because of the other partner, or difficulties that are emerging, it's not the right solution. In fact, it's the worst solution."

Responsibility for the relationship has to rest with the couple, says Maxwell. Input from a parent about their child's partner can only have a detrimental effect. "There's no doubt about it. That would have made him, in this instance, feel very excluded. Equally, bringing your mother in to help solve a problematic relationship is a very naive thing to do."

And it's not just that it won't solve the problems, it will also add strain to any couple's relationship. Both Cheryl and Ashley Cole have admitted that their sex life all but vanished. For her, his alleged unfaithfulness probably didn't help. According to him, though, it was Callaghan's presence that was the nail in the coffin of any intimacy.

"It's like pouring a bucket of cold water on the marital bed," Cox says. "It means you've got to have sex purely in the bedroom or wait until your mum goes out and they tend not to go out all that often. Restricting your love life to the bedroom is not great. If you have a row, you can't really clear the air. You've got to stomp about and pretend to be getting on even when you're not, so it's clearly not ideal."

That said, Cox believes the fact that the Coles live in a nine-bedroom mansion and Cheryl's mother stayed in an annex attached to the main house changes the picture somewhat. "If you live in a one-bedroom flat and your mother-in-law is next door, yes it's going to make your sex life slip through the floorboards, and yes, it's going to be awful trying to have an intimate relationship. But they live in a mansion. Ashley blaming Cheryl's mum is just a cop-out."

But the issue doesn't always have to be about square footage. According to Maxwell, physical space is less important than psychological and emotional space and it seems that's what the Coles may have been lacking. "I think you need to be very confident about yourself sexually so that you can really demonstrate to your partner what you feel when there's someone else viewing you. Most people tend to moderate their behaviour into something that they feel is more socially acceptable but perhaps less like what they want to do with each other. If he or she is living with you, eventually that would diminish desire.

"In reality it's more likely to be the psychological intrusion that has affected them, not the physical intrusion. It's that sense of not having that intimate space for themselves to be the way they want. Somehow the mother has encroached on that space. Whether she wanted to or not, I don't know, but it's had a negative effect."

So can it ever work? Is three always a crowd? In many cultures it's the norm for ageing parents to live with their children. Here, because it's much less commonplace, it is tricky to know how to do it right. The key to success, according to Maxwell, is to make sure that moving a parent in is a decision both partners can live with.

And there have to be rules. "You have to talk about why you're doing it, how it's going to impact on your relationship and what the ground rules are for you as a couple. In the Coles' situation it sounds like it's been used as a protection or a defence over whatever's been going on in their relationship and it has just pushed them further and further apart."

Let's hope, for the sake of Coco and Buster, the aftermath is less messy than the marriage.

Her indoors, once removed

MARIAN ROBINSON

Better known as America's First Granny, Marian Robinson is the mother of Michelle Obama. She moved in to the White House last year to help look after Malia and Sasha Obama, the president's daughters. By all accounts, Obama gets on famously with 72-year-old Robinson. It was her hand that he was holding on that couch in a Hyatt hotel in Chicago on election night last November as they watched the first returns to see if victory was to be his. And she apparently well understands the difference between helping and interfering.

BARBRA STREISAND

The Hollywood legend is mother-in-law to actress Diane Lane, who has called her an "amazing woman". The two were said to be close after tabloid allegations about Lane's marriage to Streisand's stepson Josh Brolin. Lane reported her husband to the police after a fight, and he was arrested.

BARBRO HOLMBERG

The politician may not exactly be a household name outside her native Sweden, but Holmberg, a former immigration minister, became a familiar face internationally as she stood by the side of her daughter, Elin Nordegren, wife of serial cheater and golf master Tiger Woods. After rushing to her daughter's aid after news of Woods' affairs emerged, Holmberg was herself admitted to hospital.