Constant craving: Sex addicts like Tiger Woods suffer from a real problem

Published on Saturday 6 March 2010 12:42

TIGER WOODS – helpless sex addict who deserves our sympathy and understanding, or serial philanderer shamed into a confession when he got caught with his pants down?

The golfer has declared to the world that he is now receiving treatment for the condition, but it's really just an excuse for not being able to keep the old three-wood in its sock, right?

Ashley Cole, too, has reportedly offered to get therapy, in an attempt to save his crumbling marriage, while Russell Brand wrote openly about his addiction in his autobiography My Booky Wook.

But while dependency on alcohol, drugs or gambling is considered a legitimate condition, sex addiction is viewed as a bit of a joke. "Some of the people I see have already lost contact with a partner because of their addiction," says Sue Maxwell, sexual and relationship psychotherapist at counselling, mediation and support agency Relationships Scotland.

"They've had difficulty at work – they've been caught looking at pornography, maybe even found themselves struggling to get there in the morning – they have mood variations and sometimes get quite depressed and suicidal if they don't get access to the internet. There are very clear criteria for sex addiction.

"It's predominantly men. Women will do it, but it's not as clear-cut. Often they have very difficult issues going on in their lives and they're looking for more than just a sexual encounter."

Maxwell admits that some might use the label as an excuse for unashamed promiscuity, but most men are loathe to admit it's a problem and see themselves simply as people who like having sex. They seek help only when their partners catch them in the act. "Most of the couples come because one partner has been found looking at pornography on the internet," she says. "It's a very addictive process, particularly if people are at a difficult time in their life: if their relationship is in difficulty, maybe they've lost their job, maybe there's an issue in the family like bereavement or loss. It can even be quite a positive reason for someone to suddenly start looking at pornography on the internet."

But since many men are under the illusion that "everyone else is doing it", they tend to think they're not doing anything wrong – they're not hurting anyone, after all, so what's the problem? "For most of the women whose partners look at pornography – or they perhaps even see him while he's online – they are absolutely shocked. It's that breach of trust," says Maxwell.

And while a man's addiction might start on the internet, it can move on to chatrooms quickly, then to meeting strangers for sex. "They could be having multiple partners – having sex with a prostitute, going back home, getting on the computer, speaking to someone online and meeting them for sex at 5.30am. And they are putting themselves in very risky situations because often they won't be having safe sex – the thrill takes over."

Indeed, many of those who start on the internet end up searching much further than they would normally do. "Some will talk about being on the internet five or ten hours a night. They might end up looking at child pornography, even though they're not remotely interested in children, or gay pornography, when they're heterosexual. There has been an explosion. Every therapist who works in the field is having people referred every week."

She admits that the media attention given to recent high-profile cases has probably helped to raise awareness and remove some of the stigma involved in sex addiction. In 2008, for instance, X-Files actor David Duchovny checked into rehab after much speculation about his private life, the same year Lord Laidlaw of Rothiemay, a Banffshire-born businessman based in Monaco, admitted he had fought the "disease" for most of his adult life.

Nearly two decades earlier, Michael Douglas was labelled a sex addict by his ex-wife Diandra. And, reaching even further back in time, there have been scurrilous suggestions that the bard himself, Robert Burns, was not just a little fond of the lassies, but was, in fact, addicted to love.

Sex addiction is described as a powerlessness to act over your behaviour, even though you want to. The Sex Addicts Anonymous Scotland website features a 12-point guide to establish whether you really are an addict. Questions include: do you keep secrets about sexual or romantic activities from those important to you?; do you lead a double life?; have your needs driven you to have sex in places or situations or with people you would not normally choose?; and are you taking more variety and frequency of sexual and romantic activities than previously to bring the same levels of excitement and relief?

The first step to recovery is accepting that you have a problem. And, to begin with at least, addicts are encouraged to give up sex altogether. "Some of them have had sex three of four times a day every day since they were 14," says Maxwell. "At first, they can become quite depressed and anxious – it's like cold turkey. They feel ashamed, guilty, but the most important thing is they start to gain some degree of control over their behaviour."

Although groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous Scotland exist, many people are reluctant to seek them out, says Maxwell, in case they run into their boss or a client. "It's almost considered okay to be an alcoholic or a drug addict and go to a group like that, but sex addiction is still seen as more of a taboo in our culture. In the United States, it's much more up-front and obvious."

However, workers at Relationships Scotland are now seeing people earlier, before their addiction gets out of control. "There is more information available now," says Maxwell. "And with high-profile people coming out and saying what they're dealing with, it may help others seek help faster."

Sex Addicts Anonymous Scotland (www.saascotland.org.uk); Relationships Scotland (www.relationships-scotland.org.uk)

&#149 This article was first published in Scotland on Sunday, March 7, 2010