Chitra Ramaswamy

Published on Friday 29 May 2009 17:28

In the pub with three gal pals, discussing at great length our favourite sex scenes on screen, I realised an essential truth. If you want to understand the social, sexual and genetic differences between men and women, there is but one true way. The BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. The sexes can be divided purely on the basis of their response to this six-episode TV serial from 1995.

Men will either a) pass out, b) start poking at their own eyes, c) get really, really aggressive or d) leave. Women, by comparison, will get turned on. For Pride and Prejudice – not 9 1/2 Weeks, Emmanuelle or Brokeback Mountain – made the top of our sexy films list.

This notorious under-the-covers classic features no nudity, no pillow talk – unless you count Lizzie happening upon a wet-shirted Darcy and exclaiming: "Oh, Mr Darcy!" which does make me go all funny inside – and a single, closed mouth kiss. Yet it is pure, toe-curling ecstacy. When Lizzie first catches sight of Pemberley and says quietly: "I like it very well indeed," I actually have to stuff my own hand in my mouth.

Other choices were no less naughty. We agreed the log cabin scene in Dirty Dancing – featuring one ugly C&A-style bra, a pair of white jeans, two heads of huge hair and Patrick Swayze's wonderhips – was perfection. A younger friend's eyes glazed over as she discussed Titanic, and another brought up the 1970s version of A Star is Born, featuring Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson (more big hair). I added Cocktail, recalling a pyjama party with a group of teenage girls who screamed so much when Tom Cruise snogged Elisabeth Shue in a waterfall that my dad turned up shortly afterwards to take me home.

Two days later, my sister texted to tell me Cocktail was on the telly. Ah, the thought of settling down to watch my third sexiest film on a Sunday night. But, in the cold, hard light of 2009 it was about as titillating as the BBC adaptation of Middlemarch. Where were the hours of skinny dipping, or the lingering kisses by the beach fire? This was a couple of pecks, then cut to Tom Cruise mixing a daiquiri. If they had been wearing bonnets and breeches it would have aged a whole lot better.

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