Cheerleader struggles to whip up chorus of 'Why are we Waiting'

Published on Thursday 8 May 2008 22:31

THE only thing missing was the pom-poms. Wendy Alexander might not have been dressed like a cheerleader, but she certainly hasn't given up on sounding like one.

Barely a minute into First Minister's Questions and she was whooping it up, her new blonde highlights shining under the chamber lights as she pranced around in front of a doubtful batch of Labour MSPs, enthusiastically spelling out her favourite new mantra: R-E-F-E-R-E-N-D-U-M.

Alex Salmond looked unimpressed. His bald spot hasn't improved, incidentally, unlike his capacity for ridiculing the Labour Party, which he appears to have been taking night classes in.

"When we bring forward that bill knowing that the Labour Party will support it, as stated in our manifesto in 2010, we will expect the support of every Labour member in this parliament," he said in his best preaching-from-the-pulpit voice. "Given the progress that Wendy Alexander has made in the last few days, who knows what side she'll be campaigning on?"

Wendy's face resembled a wet weekend in Wester Hailes. But when she rose to her feet it was merely to reassert the position that has confused the country, the Prime Minister and, if the look in her eyes was anything to go by, very possibly herself.

"We believe that the uncertainty is damaging Scotland," she burbled. "I and my colleagues have therefore offered our support to bring this issue forward now. We believe that Scotland deserves a choice sooner rather than later. The First Minister tells us that over 80 per cent of Scots want a referendum – so why are we still waiting?"

Something's got into Wendy lately. Perhaps those highlights. Whatever it is, it's caused her not only to take the road less travelled, but to veer sharply off it on to the U-turn of confusion. Describing Alex Salmond as "the problem", she demanded, just in case someone under a rock in Longniddry hadn't heard her the first time: "Why won't he bring the bill on?"

Alex, unable to keep the smugness out of his voice, said she "was not the answer". Wendy swung a leg from underneath her neat black and white suit, stuck out her bottom lip and swivelled around aimlessly in her seat.

At this point Old Mother Time herself, Tory leader Annabel Goldie, waded in with one of the most salient points of the day, suggesting that an early referendum might become a vote on the unpopularity of Gordon Brown and Wendy Alexander, rather than the future of the Union.

There was a general mutter of agreement – even if some of the Labour MSPs did it under their breath.

But it wasn't over yet. After First Minister's Questions there was the tricky business of an official photograph for the parliament's school annual.

There was a lot of giggling and shuffling as all 129 MSPs crammed in to the shot and Alex and Wendy, briefly and uncomfortably, found themselves standing next to each other. They did not make eye contact. Then came the most difficult task of the day. "I need you to keep your eyes open for five seconds," said a man with a microphone who was directing proceedings. As 129 political brains concentrated on the task, the chamber fell completely silent, and not even Wendy's new mantra could be heard.