Catalan story short circuits - My Best Friend Has Issues by Laura Marney

Published on Thursday 31 July 2008 13:15

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST FORMU-las. Why, I've committed the formulas of a great many cocktails to memory. But the difference between formula and formulaic – at least in its connotative sense – is the difference between the pause that refreshes and something that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Laura Marney is a Scot who teaches part-time at Glasgow University. Her fourth novel is set in Barcelona, a city she knows intimately and clearly loves, celebrating its louche side along with its sophistication. At the book's heart is Alison, described in the jacket blurb as "an innocent Scottish girl" who moves to Spain, where she is corrupted by Chloe, a wild, amoral American heiress who launches her on a "sex and drugs romp" and teaches her about the "sweet taste of revenge". Elsewhere on the jacket, we're promised giggles. Note to self: do not believe everything you read on book jackets.

The female leads are pretty well matched for loathsomeness, and while there's no rule saying literary heroes must be paragons of virtue, it does motivate one to keep turning pages if there's something compelling in their make-up (or even in the writing) to nudge you along.

As is so often the case, I felt as though the characters came out of central casting when the call went out for B-movie figurines. For all her money, Chloe has – surprise, surprise – serious mother issues and a central core of unhappiness that propels her to extreme behaviour. Alison is running from her fat, unhappy past in Cumbernauld and – cue ominous music – something else entirely.

For yes, there on page 24 is the inevitable italics bit. Like voice-overs, they are, these intrusive clumps of prose that always hint at something darker ... In this case a door is cracked on scenes of, well, what precisely? Incest? A murder committed while a teenager? With every instance of slanty type my curiosity waned, and soon I didn't so much want to fling that door open as pull it shut then slap on a padlock.

Meanwhile, in real time, as in every girls-gone-wild scenario ever written, Alison and Chloe take drugs, wear expensive clothes, admire their slender selves, chat up men and keep each other company – sometimes during sex. Bullies from the past are taunted and humiliated in the most awful and unsatisfying fashion and violence is perpetrated.

Alison cannot separate from Chloe, who represents everything she aspires to be – beautiful, talented, rich, free-spirited and needy enough to awaken her primitive nurturing instinct. Or so it seems. Scratch the surface and things are more complicated. I think we're meant to dislike Chloe and like Alison. But while Chloe's got a mean streak, it's mostly immature petulance. Alison, on the other hand, is a parasite, a thief, a liar, and a user, hanging on despite every humiliation, on the hope that Chloe's dad will pony up the money for her to attend university in America.

None of which is as preposterous as the ending, flashing forward to a bonkers future completely unearned by anything the author has stated or even hinted at in the previous 343 pages. It's a future in which Alison evinces a cunning, evil savviness that propels her to great success. The cruelty I get, but the smarts are baffling, since throughout the tale Alison's one notable trait is her slowness in grasping the essentials.

What is Marney trying to do with this novel? Perhaps this is a morality tale cautioning us to be careful what we wish for? Or perhaps it is offered as light entertainment? Sadly, the novel is neither entertaining nor enlightening. I was left scratching my head in wonderment, but not in a good way.

MY BEST FRIEND HAS ISSUES BY LAURA MARNEY Black Swan, 352pp, 6.99

&#149 Laura Marney is at the Edinburgh Book Festival on 10 August