Bookworm: Gong before you know it

Published on Thursday 21 August 2008 14:32

TWO more days to go (plus a square full of children on Tuesday) and it's time to take down Charlotte Square's tents for another year. But not, first, before handing out a few awards of our own – this time to the festival's audience.

&#149 Most infuriating statement: The (Scottish) woman in the audience for writers Alan Bissett, Des Dillon and Anne Donovan who said: "I find it hard to take work in Scots seriously: it feels to me as though I'm reading an adult version of the Dandy or the Beano." Infuriating also, because it was the last question of the event, with no time for a proper answer.

&#149 Least convincing advice to audience: "If you see a famous author, go up to them, shake their hand and ask them where they get their ideas." (Alexander McCall Smith)

&#149 Biggest swoon (women only): When Mark Billingham revealed that David Morrissey (who played Gordon Brown in The Deal) is to star as DI Tom Thorne when Sky start filming in February.

&#149 Biggest number of book festival "virgins": About one-third of the audience put up their hands when asked by Chuck Palahniuk who hadn't ever been to a literary festival before. The danger here is that they might all assume that every book festival author distributes boxes of blow-up dolls in their readings …

&#149 Longest signing queue: In Jacqueline Wilson's absence, it's that man Palahniuk again. Shaking so many hands at these events, he said, gave him the original idea for writing about a porn star's sex marathon in his new novel.

&#149 Best mobile phone incident during an event: Roy Hattersley – it was his own!

&#149 Most impertinent question to Alison Kennedy: "Why are you not married? You seem to have a good sense of humour." ALK: "I can't guarantee to have that 24 hours a day. Sometimes it is also a sign that I'm becoming incredibly annoyed. Writing is quite a male job. I need a guy who is going to behave like a wife."

&#149 Best advice about reading Walter Scott: Brian Morton quoting Robin Jenkins: "Break your leg in Inveraray at the start of a wet week, find a complete edition and start with A Legend of Montrose."

&#149 Finally, the Palme d'Or for Best Audience Question (to Jonathan Dimbleby): "If you were organising the annual election fraudsters' convention, which of the following would be your keynote speaker – Bush, Mugabe or Putin?

Dimbleby: "It's hard to choose between them, but taking the long view, it would be Putin."