Bold dentistry cyber-gesture deserves to beat the NHS drill

Published on Thursday 23 March 2006 00:24

THIS is the opportunity of a lunchtime. A Saturday lunchtime to be precise, and I'm offering the very best table in one of Scotland's very best restaurants. You will, of course, have to pay your own bill, and provide your own transport - not to mention some suitably entertaining company. But I have taken care of the difficult bit. I have ensured the reservation. Now how much would you like to bid for this inestimable advantage? A fiver? A tenner? More?

There's no point in looking shocked. We all know that absolutely everything is for sale; but even Napoleon might be astonished at our newfound national enthusiasm for selling it. Can there be anyone still out there who has not yet bought or sold something on eBay? We have read about auctioned human souls, half-eaten bananas, Lear jets and auntie's Christmas cardies.

Last month, Glen Beaton, whose mother died in Inverness two years ago, decided to auction tiny portions of her ashes internationally so that he could fulfill her last wish to travel the globe. What a nice thought - though I suspect a trip to Paris while she was still breathing oxygen might have cheered her more.

However, it is not the chutzpah of those who dare sell off used tea bags, or their parent's earthly remains, which concerns me here. It is Fife toothache-sufferer Richard Barrie, who wins my vote for the most creative use of eBay. He has publicised the pitiful state of NHS dentistry in Scotland by auctioning an initial consultation and registration with an NHS dentist. By the time you read this, the auction will have ended. Barrie has pledged to give the winner's money to a local charity.

For this was not about money. It was about the state of Scotland's teeth. It came as no surprise to Barrie that, by yesterday evening, there had been ten bids for the appointment.

AS HE explained on the auction site: "Five years ago, I moved to Fife and gave up a perfectly good dentist's practice in Dundee. I have since tried unsuccessfully to get myself NHS dental treatment. My teeth were in quite good condition back in 2001, but recently I have had toothache and it hurts a lot. So I stepped up my phone-calling on receptionists (who are rarely sympathetic) and have managed finally to achieve my goal - and guess what? Two came along at once. So I have decided to raise the profile of NHS dentistry in Fife by giving the chance to one lucky bidder of avoiding my five-year wait by getting my appointment."

What an excellent way to register disgust - and assist another dentally-challenged Fifer at the same time. To be frank, I don't envy the winning bidder. I would anticipate being more than a little nervous if a disgruntled dentist had the opportunity of registering his own protests via a drill and my chipped fillings. Especially in view of the po-faced statement made by an NHS spokesman yesterday. They viewed Mr Barrie's actions as "very selfish", they said, adding that it is illegal to auction an NHS appointment. What a surprise. And here I was believing that Glen Beaton's deceased mama was going to enjoy her round-the-world trip in a series of flimsy airmail envelopes. How could the NHS deliver such brutal disillusion?

I'd like to think Richard Barrie will not be forced to suffer for his audacity, because his cyber-gesture typifies that thrawn, defiant self-reliance which is so essentially Scottish.

PERHAPS he could teach a smidgeon of this attitude to Sue Storer, the former deputy headteacher who is suing Bristol City Council for 1 million compensation for sexual discrimination. Crucial to her claim is the fact that two male deputies were each issued new executive chairs, while Ms Storer was left with a chair which made flatulent noises when she sat on it.

She told the tribunal that she regularly had to apologise for the farting sounds made by the chair, and had requested a new one under health and safety regulations. She suffered this ignominy for more than a year, she said, until her health broke down.

But why? Couldn't she do what everyone in every office in the world does, and kidnap a chair from a colleague? Or auction the offending chair on eBay as a protest?

There are no flatulent chairs listed at the moment. I checked. And if she wins her case, I can guarantee that a 1 million flatulent chair would fetch a fortune.