Best place to hide an elephant

Published on 20/05/2008 20:18

IN THE ROOM The elephant in the room is the big issue that stares you in the face but no-one talks about. But if no-one talks about the elephant, how will anyone know it is there? So, forget about placing your pachyderm in a trunk, jumbo jet or ivory tower - just park it in the room.

PERTH RAILWAY STATION Every day, passengers arriving from the south are to be seen wandering about the platforms, often pretending to know where they are going, trying to spot other people who look as if they know where they are going, all trying to make sense of the exit signs. Perth Station is a big place, big enough to hide an elephant.

ELEPHANT HERD In 1966, Roger Miller sang "you can't roller-skate in a buffalo herd". He might have added, but didn't, that you can wash your face in a bison. This is of little help – you would be better off hiding your elephant in an elephant herd. Roger Miller was unfazed and went on to tell us that "my uncle used to love me but she died," before starring for Cameroon in the 1982 and 1990 World Cups, patenting the bum-wiggle goal celebration.

LOCH NESS In responding to a suggestion that they hide their elephant in Loch Ness, the owner might well respond: "Not on your Nelly, it would drown". But they would be trump, trump, trumped by the reply: "Elephants are superb swimmers". And so they are. After all, it was circus elephants swimming in the loch in the early 1930s that caused observers to imagine there was a monster. If only they'd had bags of buns to lure them out…what a disaster it would have been for the tourist industry!

PINK ELEPHANT TREE First, paint your elephant. Then ask yourself, "where do I hide a pink elephant?" Where else but a pink elephant tree. And if you are worried about how to find it again - simple, just wait for autumn. When we were less concerned about preserving wild creatures the next question would of course have been: "How do you shoot a pink elephant?" Now we make do with: "How do you tranquillise a pink elephant?" "With a pink elephant tranquilliser dart."