Making the most of relatives' memories

Published on Wednesday 27 September 2006 11:34

THE ETERNAL message to family historians - and the eternal regret from them - is a simple one. Find out what your relatives know NOW. Important though documents may be, just remember: Aunt Bessie's birth certificate will be here in a few years time, but she may not!

Here's how you can get the most out of those human memory banks – no less important than the electronic ones.

Start by targeting the oldest living member of the family – and especially the ladies, who seem traditionally to have more gossip to divulge, more treasures hoarded, more family anecdotes to tell than their brothers.

If possible go and see them. Let them know what it is you are about – and even send along in advance some of the work you have done.

A few tips of what to do when you get face-to-face.

Don't hesitate to use an unobtrusive tape recorder. Very few people are put off by them these days. Trying to keep up transcribing word for word what someone says is a job for professionals. Newspaper reporters may manage it, but they've been at it for years. The tape recorder will stop you putting the brake on when Auntie Bessie is in full flow and let you concentrate on what she is saying.

Be prepared – have your questions ready in advance. We've all spotted the TV interviewer who has not done his homework and doesn't ask the question we want answered.

Equally, be prepared to pick up on something your aunt or uncle says and go down a route you hadn't prepared for. Again, we've all seen the chat show host who ignores a fascinating snippet from his guest and goes on the next question in his script.

If you come across some real gems – documents or photographs – ask if you can copy them. Many local shops have photocopying facilities, so just popping down the road can get you copies. If you borrow anything and promise to return it, do so!

Asking the right sort of questions is the most important skill to bring out the information you need. Try asking "tell me about your mother", as a good way to get started. After that there's a long list of follow-ups – father, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles.

Many relatives will want to recycle their own favourite stories. Let them, but don't forget to cover your points. What was the house like? How many rooms? Who slept where?

Remembering dates is like ironing shirts. The world is divided into those who can and those who can't. You may be lucky and get one of the first lot, but let's imagine you are chatting with someone who can't remember dates. Try and get some "milestone events" to help you.

The two World Wars are great for that. If something happened in the 1940s, try, "was that during the War or after it?". Use family events as milestones, "did you move house after grandfather died?" or refer to the person's own "calendar". Ask, "how old were you when Sadie was born?".

Don't come away without discovering what jobs everyone worked at. You may find it on documents but Auntie Bessie may be more precise. Whenever an occupation is mentioned ask more. If grandfather was a mason, did he work for himself or for a company. Which company? If grandmother was in service before she was married, where and for whom? If Uncle Ted was a soldier, which regiment, which war?

Tapping memories from a distance

If it is not be possible to visit the relatives you would like to talk to, don't despair. Letters can sometimes be even more fruitful than meeting if you go about it in the right way.

Write and explain what it is you are doing – and what help you are hoping for. Explain how you are related to the person to whom you are writing. "I am the grand-daughter of your sister Millie." Or, "the only time we met was when you visited my parents in Durham, but I was only three then".

Make it easy for your relative to reply. An approach that has produced results is to send blank sheets with specific headings. Your mother. Your father. Your mother's brothers etc. Your house. Your school. You may already be able to narrow down those headings. For example, "what do you remember of your Uncle Theo?" stands more of a chance than, "what do you remember of your mother's brothers?".

Believe it or not, sending lined sheets is more likely to succeed than sending absolutely blank sheets.

To finish where we started: get in touch TODAY!

If you enjoyed reading this, you may want to read:

Tracing your family heritage