Around The Horne

Published on Saturday 5 July 2008 22:13

BY Marc Horne

All hail the new last king of Scotland

One man who must be watching Scotland's slide towards independence with great interest is Michel Roger Lafosse. Brussels-born Mickey may be as Belgian as Poirot, moules frite and urinating statues, but insists that he is the rightful king of the Scots. Lafosse, who prefers to be known as HRH Prince Michael James Alexander Stewart, 7th Count of Albany (Scotland), claims to be a direct descendent of Bonnie Prince Charlie.

However, judging by his online mugshot, the diminutive, bespectacled prince looks more likely to wield a can of Mr Muscle than swing a claymore. His supporters claim that in 1992 Lafosse/Stewart was elected as President of the European Council of Princes – a constitutional advisory body within the European Union. However, those unchivalrous knaves at the EU have confirmed that they have never heard of such an organisation – or Prince Michael for that matter. Off with their rebates!

Sadly, Michel's status as "Grand Protector of The Imperial and Royal Dragon Court" and as a diplomat of the "Federation of Autonomous Priories of the Sovereign Order of Saint John of Jerusalem" failed to prevent agents of the Hanoverian state from forcing him from his Edinburgh home and deporting him back to Belgium in 2006. It is now thought the man who would be king is now crashing at his mum's – sorry, remains in temporary exile at the Queen Mother's Palace. Your highness, if you are out there, please get in touch and reassure the Scottish nation that all is well. In the meantime I'll raise a glass of Hoegaarden in honour of the Prince across the water. votre sant!

A brush to give you the willies

Who says the Scots have lost their entrepreneurial spirit? A group of businessmen from Irvine, Ayrshire, have launched a product which they hope will convince men from Wick to Wellington to clean up their act.

Ladies and gentlemen I give you the Willybrush – AKA the Gentleman's Cleaning Brush.

(It does exactly what is says on the tin, folks.) This bathroom breakthrough may look like a shaving brush with a wonky handle, but soon (apparently) men won't be able to imagine life without one.

The website eulogises: "We believe that this revolutionary product will become as commonly used as the toothbrush or hairbrush and invite you to get a step ahead and invest in the health and well-being of your willy and your sex life... now!"

If that isn't enough to make you shell out 25 check out the customer endorsements.

Lyndsay, 42, from London, states: "The 'Gent's Cleaning Brush' was the ideal gift for my partner because it has made him more aware of his personal hygiene."

While Hideo, 29, from Japan adds: It felt strange using the 'The Gentleman's Cleaning Brush' for the first time, but now I wouldn't be without it."

It goes without saying that I wish the manufacturers all the very best, but for me it sounds about as enticing as the offer of a back rub from Freddie Krueger.

The red flag is flying high in America

The David Cameron in Easterhouse Award (for ludicriously blind optimism) goes to our Pollyanna-ish chums from the Communist Party of the United States of America (CPUSA.) Despite being about as popular as bacon butty stall in Tel Aviv our brave band of Yankee doodle Marxists have given themselves a 21st-century makeover and are preparing to leave the electoral wilderness and take power.

The party has left its founding fathers spinning in their mausoleums by lashing out $1m on sleek new offices in the uber-trendy Chelsea district of Manhattan.

Their red hammer logo flashes up on plasma screens, while comrades tap away on Apple Macs inside transparent eco-friendly cubicles. Instead of hollering about class war through battered megaphones the latte Leninists now court disaffected youngsters through anti-Bush propaganda on Facebook and YouTube. Web designer and party spokesman Sam Delgado, 24, believes the revolution is only a few mouse clicks away. "We have turned a corner recently and get two or three new members every week," he said. "I now believe we will achieve Communism in America within my lifetime."

You heard it here first comrades – or should that be kmrdz?

Weird Weekends

UnConvention 2008

A two-day celebration of the weird and wonderful. Don your tin-foil anti-alien abduction hat and listen to talks on sea monsters, bigfoot and poltergeists.

November 1-2, University of Westminster, London

If you discover any stories or websites that are bizarre, bamboozling or just plain barking – or want to suggest an event for the weird weekend calendar – send them to me at [e-mail]