Analysis: Order! Order! Give Goldie the gavel : she'll have them all by the short and curlies

Published on Monday 9 May 2011 19:07

IT WAS only a few weeks ago that Annabel Goldie was saying she would have Alex Salmond by the "short and curlies" if there was any nonsense from him. How the kitchen tables have turned.

Now the Scottish Conservatives' national treasure, who has been variously referred to as darling of the doilies and everyone's favourite auntie, as well as being mistaken for Daphne Broon's sister, has thrown in the tea towel and decided to pass on the torch - that would be the free one she got with her Look & Learn in 1958.

Goldie had a good election campaign by the standards of other opposition leaders.

She didn't dive into a Subway sandwich shop to avoid a protester. Instead, she stood and spoke to the same man, and, anyway, if she had wanted fast food, she would have checked to make sure jam scones were on the menu first.

Nor did she accuse David Cameron of wanting to burn Scots at the stake. Why, he's a very nice man whose late father was Scottish, and she's had him round to Bishopton for a lapsang souchong on occasion.

Still, her party endured another reverse of record proportions and, with new rules due to be introduced that will bring a leadership election in the autumn, the timing is right to hand over her secret shortbread recipe.

Not millionaires' shortbread, of course. John McGlynn, the only millionaire left admitting he was a Conservative said on Sunday her time was up. Revenge, no doubt, for his pal Malky MacAskill who was unceremoniously dumped from the Glasgow list by the Tory leadership just as the election kicked off.

What now, then, for the only member of the Tory group man enough to give Oor Eck a square go? Here's what. Annabel should not wait until the autumn; she should resign tomorrow so she can announce she is willing to be Presiding Officer and have the whole parliament by the short and curlies.

Bella is a lawyer and she understands rules and standing orders better than most MSPs. Neither is she is afraid to swing her handbag and take the wind out of a cheeky chappie or a pompous oaf. I know - I had to duck a few times myself.

Schoolmarm charm doesn't cover it. She would have the gravitas for the job and the humour to keep people on her side - and I'm sure she could manage to do a draw for the Scottish Cup, too.

Seriously, though, Annabel Goldie is just the person to stop all the drivel, tell Alex Salmond to answer the question, instruct Richard Simpson to get to the point and remind Jackie Baillie that her tea's oot.

Goldie as Presiding Officer? It's a match made in heaven.

• Brian Monteith, policy director of ThinkScotland.org, is a former Conservative MSP.