Aidan Smith: I see a red door and I want it painted (by) Black

Published on Sunday 18 December 2011 00:00

I DID a double-take when I read the headline: “Hearts star Black works as a painter.” A check of the date revealed it wasn’t April 1st, so it seemed genuine.

Ian Black, whose place of work is Tynecastle where they’ve been free and easy with big salaries in the past but not much of anything recently, has been forced to wield a brush for a mate’s decorating firm. Where, though, were the puns?

After all, the story was running in Scotland’s most excitable journal, which prides itself on groan-tastic gags. Where, at the very least, was “Paint it Black”? I couldn’t believe that paint-themed banter wasn’t flying round the sub-editors’ desks close to deadline. I couldn’t believe that Black hadn’t already acquired at least four paint-related nicknames, courtesy of his team-mates. I couldn’t believe that the “exclusive” had been written up dead straight.

Then I thought – it’s only me who’s looking for jokes. This is a serious matter for Black who, the story continued, needs the cash to pay for his daughter’s Christmas. I’ve got a hard heart and, as the football cliche goes, should “take a long hard look at myself”. Well, OK, but don’t tell me you didn’t snigger when, during online chatter about the report’s veracity, one wag suggested the paper may have put two and two together and made five, possibly after Black was “spotted popping into his local B&Q in an old pair of paint-spattered joggers”. And tell me you didn’t snigger some more when another quipped: “Whether this is true or not is imMATTerial. Vlad [-imir Romanov] is acting like Dick TURPENTINE!”

Football is a tough game. Tough to play (not least when guys like Black are careering about). Tough to watch in its current parlous state. And tough to engender much in the way of sympathy for the main participants when, despite everything, it’s still viewed by those prepared to shiver in the stands – without any recession-reflecting reduction in admission prices – as a pretty good life.

In other words, if something amuses us, however darkly, we should be allowed to laugh.

In the very small sympathy queue – smaller than any of the turnstile queues at McDiarmid Park last Tuesday when St Johnstone vs Aberdeen attracted just 1,607 brave souls – Black would probably be towards the back. He’s the snappy, snarling type that fans of other clubs dislike. But fair play to him for not being too proud to swap the high-rolling life of a footballer for a paint-rolling one, albeit temporarily.

I’m intrigued. Does he thunder about in a white van, imperilling cyclists and sending Irn-Bru bottles and polystrene cups flying but not quite dislodging yellowing copies of the said excitable journal from the shelf above the dash? Does he start at 8.30am with a tea-break at nine, another at ten, then elevenses, a decent down-brushes for lunch, more tea in the afternoon and job done by 4pm?

I also wonder, re lunch, if Black is a sausage roll man or a Steak Bake kind of guy (the latter, incidentally, is described on the Greggs’ website as “one of our more iconic snacks”. Can anything be “more iconic” than plain iconic?). Is the radio (paint-spattered) permanently tuned to Radio 1 except on Fridays when the firm’s semi-retired old-timer joins the crew to do the woodwork and vainly searches the airwaves for Sam Costa, who died in 1981? And, of more significance for the householder who wants the place looking nice and spruced-up for the festive season, does he paint in the harum-scarum way he plays? Does he have an aversion to the colour green, as seems to be the case in his main job?

You see? There are ways of discussing Black’s alternative career without poking fun at him. And maybe, given that the dismal McDiarmid Park attendance has opened up discussion about more clubs going part-time, Black is one step ahead of the rest. I came up with part-time jobs for Scott Brown, Allan McGregor, Garry O’Connor, David Weir, Anthony Stokes, Kyle Lafferty and Ross Tokely but the Sports Editor said that at least three were actionable and, if printed, I’d be the one looking for new employment opportunities.

Oh well, merry Christmas to you all, Ian Black and especially his daughter.

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Portsmouth 657

Sunday, December 18, 2011 at 07:46 PM

The child that wrote this article will need to improve intelectually prior to moving to senior school. Fail.

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John A.

Sunday, December 18, 2011 at 09:28 AM

What a dreadful article - does Mr. Smith actually get remunerated for producing this tosh? Hearts' embargo on interviews involving The Hootsman and others seems to have inadvertently enfeebled the creative powers of this member of a disreputable profession of wordsmiths. Perhaps he should get out more? I understand from 'a source' that tram drivers in Edinburgh will be back in vogue soon, well perhaps in a few years. I am fairly sure that any number of tourists and sundry old ladies heading for the guild or bingo halls would be quite fascinated by Mr. Smith's tendencies toward discombobulation.Oh for another Mike Aitken or John Rafferty; now such guys would be worth reading.

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