Aidan Smith: On the box

Published on Friday 8 August 2008 16:01

THE WI GUIDE TO BROTHELS Channel 4 Monday, 10pm

THE SECRET MILLIONAIRE

Channel 4 Wednesday, 9pm

I'M KYLIE'S BODY DOUBLE

BBC3 Monday, 9pm

THERE were so many priceless moments in The WI Guide To Brothels that I suspected the documentary had been scripted. I thought I was watching a sequel to Calendar Girls where a branch of the Women's Institute, in an attempt to shake off its fusty image of being little more than a jam-making club for retired ladies, and posh or pension-secure ones at that, launches a recruitment drive among working girls in the world's oldest profession.

In Amsterdam, first stop on a world tour of places where brothels aren't only legal but come with, er, knobs on, 62-year-old Jean Johnson perused the strange plastic shapes in a sex shop. She'd never seen Tupperware like this so asked for help from behind the counter. One item seemed vaguely familiar – a garden gnome, albeit in threateningly shiny black? "No, that's the Ass Midget," explained the assistant.

The next stop was New Zealand and a boutique brothel with erotic art on the walls and neatly packaged condoms by the beds. This time Jean's friend Shirley Landells, 73, was the one scanning the premises for reassurance. "Oo," she trilled finally, "we've got these coasters at home."

Then these game old birds visited the Moonlight Bunny Ranch in Nevada, another seemingly well-run knocking shop where the top girl was Airforce Amy. Would the two-strong fact-finding mission from Hampshire like to see how she earns upwards of $500,000 a year? "Yes please," said Shirley. Some vigorous mime ensued, and a clearly impressed Jean quipped: "Maybe if I lie on the bed upside down I'll get a new car and kitchen."

Jean and Shirley were a dream pairing for this programme, right down to the decor in the former's living room before they hit the road (unremarkable seascape, ornamental sword, over-fussy wine-rack containing just the one bottle). But unlike some reviewers I didn't end up thinking they'd been exploited by Channel 4. It's true that the murders of five prostitutes in Ipswich – which got the WI involved in the issue of safety in the sex industry – were never mentioned again once the tour began, but in return for prime-time coverage Jean and Shirley were always going to have to allow reporter Nicky Taylor to jump on the engorged potential for humour. I didn't think this cheapened the message (prostitution is legal in this country, so why not brothels offering better working conditions?), nor made the old dears appear anything less than jolly good sports.

Their biggest opponent within the WI was eventually won over. It was her view that a fundamental problem remains: Britain is secretive about sex, and secretly titillated when it's dirty. You couldn't say that about Jean and Shirley, who didn't flinch, not once. Indeed in Amsterdam, in the window brothels, while being shown round the back-rooms where the action happens, the reaction bordered on disappointment. "For some reason," said Jean, "I assumed there would be mirrors above the beds."

The Secret Millionaire returned with more Rich List entrants keen to see how the other half lives and whether they're deserving of a handout. First up was James Benamor, who was swapping his 77m finance company for 10 days in Manchester's Moss Side, the 'Asbo capital of Britain'. To complete his disguise as a volunteer worker, Benamor swapped his yellow Lotus Elise for a beat-up Nissan Sunny. In a centre for kids excluded from school – the modern equivalent of the Greta Garbo Home for Wayward Boys and Girls that Manfred Mann once sang about – flame-haired Aidan wasn't impressed with Benamor's claim of a connection between classroom diligence and future prosperity. "You're not earning loads," he sneered at Benamor, "I've seen your car."

At the outset, Benamor had summed up his business philosophy thus: "There isn't a company out there that I don't want to see smashed into the ground." He'd warned he wasn't going to splash the cash, just like that. And he'd admitted he simply didn't "get" volunteering. There was a strong resemblance to Lee McQueen, winner of The Apprentice, right down to the apprentice beard. We were encouraged not to like him very much, even when it was revealed he'd been a teenage tearaway just like Aidan.

But, cue gear change (no mean feat with a Sunny involved), cue tears and, finally, cue epiphany. That makes the programme seem manipulative and, once again, I don't think it was. Benamor had to be won round to the work of the local Mothers Against Violence group, eventually crumbling when he met the mum of a knife victim and thought about the vulnerability of young lives from a parent's perspective. But he got what Copperdale was about right away. This refuge for Moss Side's waifs and strays is run by a retired couple from their home, and in an age where people cross the street to avoid trouble, that almost qualifies them for sainthood. Benamor wrote out cheques totalling 136,000, then revealed his true identity. Aidan, more concerned with the true make of his car, was then offered work experience at the beastly office where the sales motto on the whiteboard reads: "Capture, confirm, close." Now does that sound like a spin-off show waiting to happen?

In I'm Kylie's Body Double a succession of stand-ins told how their hands, legs, boobs and bums had made the beautiful people even more beautiful in films and promos. Most remained loyal to the stars, insisting they were only doubling when the A-listers didn't have time to complete their shoots. The only jarring note, indeed, was struck by Jude Law, after we'd learned that a fit lad called Gavin had been hired for the Alfie remake. Gavin fast-forwarded the movie on his laptop, pointing out where his super-toned torso was used during a love scene on a snooker table. But when Law got wind of this programme, he made his publicist issue a statement pointing out that Gavin's involvement had nothing to do with his body being "in any way inadequate". Alfie was atrocious, and you wouldn't think the vain actor wanted to draw any more attention to it.