A Heartfelt letter to Doctor Who producers

Published on Sunday 28 March 2010 11:45

As a new team take charge of the Tardis, diehard Doctor Who fan Paul Whitelaw pens a heartfelt letter telling them how to look after a national treasure

FIRST of all, congratulations. You are now in charge of the nation's favourite family drama. You've all done terribly well to get this far, and I'm sure you'll do a marvellous job.

However, given that I am a long-time fan of the show – and therefore someone whose views are of paramount importance as to how it is run – I feel it is my duty to offer you some friendly advice on where to take it from here. So shut up, strap in, and pay attention.

Mr Steven Moffat, you doubtless never tire of people telling you that you are one of Nu-Who's most outstanding writers. Putting you in charge of Doctor Who is clearly one of the best ideas since BBC producer Sydney Newman sent round a memo in 1963 saying: "teatime sci-fi show – any ideas?"

Yes, this veteran franchise will doubtless be safe in your hands. In your big manly Scottish hands. And therein lies the rub: it has not escaped my attention that you are a gentleman of Celtic origin. This in itself is not a problem of course, but I fear that you may be in for a bumpy ride if you let your personal proclivities interfere with the content of the show. I needn't remind you that your predecessor, Mr Russell T Davies, was often accused (admittedly by mad people) of hijacking Doctor Who with his own gay agenda. Throughout the past five years, concerned homophobes have inundated the BBC with complaints that Davies was trying to corrupt our children by suggesting that some people in the universe might be gay.

But are you about to cause even greater uproar with what some have detected as a burgeoning Scottish agenda? Already you have cast an Inverness-born actress, Karen Gillan, as the new assistant, Amy Pond. And a redhead too! The woman couldn't be more Scottish.

What next? Will every other character the Doctor meets be a man from Paisley with hair like a scouring pad? Will the historical episodes featuring the likes of Agatha Christie and Shakespeare be replaced by thrilling adventures in which the Doctor whisks Amy back to Auchtermuchty in 1986 to witness The Proclaimers writing Letter From America? Or helping Bill McCue foil an alien attack during a live Hogmanay broadcast? If Jimmie Krankie turns up as the Doctor's son, then the game is surely a bogey (NB: never employ this phrase in Doctor Who).

Other important things to think about: please attempt to write a satisfying series arc which, unlike some previous efforts, consists of more than simply littering the script with repeated memes and phrases (eg the words "Bad Wolf" cropping up everywhere in series one) which seem like clues but don't really lead anywhere. If you do feel the need to go down this route, then may I suggest the words "funky Acapulco" or "stupefying Behar catastrophe" if only because it will be amusing to see how you shoehorn them in each week. Also, do remember that hundreds of CGI Daleks flying around to show off the budget is no substitute for a satisfying season finale.

A note for all of you: when you appear on the behind-the-scenes series, Doctor Who Confidential, please refrain from sounding insufferably pleased with yourselves. Yes, it's a fantastic show, and yes you're all very clever and talented, but I'm surprised the last production crew weren't permanently winded after all that mutual backslapping. Steven, if you must employ a Scottish agenda, then I suggest you use it to exhibit that winning mix of self-loathing and prickliness we are renowned for.

Rather than echo RTD's endless mantra of "hurray, amazing!" when reviewing that week's episode, why not go for: "Pfft, it was average I suppose, but wait 'til you see next week's – it's shockingly poor! And if you want to know how it was made, get a bloody job in television you lazy gits." You might frighten off the children, but you'll win a nation's undying respect.

Also, your scripts are renowned for the way they exploit everyday objects and occurrences – statues, the dark – in the pursuit of terrifying younger viewers.

With that in mind, I submit the following story ideas, all of which you'd be mad to ignore: a killer cloud of gas in the shape of the CBeebies logo; wallpaper that makes an eerie chuckling noise at night; Orangina with the power of mind control; breakfast cereal capable of coagulating into a 60-foot Louis Walsh; the UK government replaced by flatulent aliens called the Etonites led by a floppy-haired pilchard (note: kids will love this, but it should also work as subtle political satire); hair-slides which implant the collected works of Yoko Ono into children's brains; invisible monsters that go around zipping up your parka too tightly; a High School Musical DVD that eats you; a Harry Potter book made from ghosts; Davros hiding in a nursery ball pit (dodgy connotations?); Planet of the Barrowmans (too gay?); a clock with a scary face (this one's a keeper); a megalomaniac computer with the brain of N-Dubz; and a dystopian school planet in which Amy is forced to do PE in her pants, although judging by the pre-publicity pictures you've probably already written that one.

If you wish to pay me for these, then I'm sure we can come to some agreement.

Finally, remember to ignore those who accuse you of ruining the series moments after the first episode goes out. These kneejerk naysayers are idiots who don't know what they're talking about, unlike me, as I think this letter has made clear.

Although if you do actually ruin it, then for God's sake book a one-way ticket to Lagos immediately. Do they show Doctor Who in Lagos? If so, then flee to North Korea instead, as I have it on good authority that Kim Jong-Il has banned the series because he refuses to accept anything post-Sylvester McCoy as part of the canon. Fans eh?

The new series of Doctor Who begins on Saturday on BBC1

&#149 This Article was first published in Scotland on Sunday, March 28, 2010